Living & Love

I’m preparing for the trip back to Oregon.  I have a little yet to do as far as weening out my possessions to make the transition a little lighter!  I’m staying with friends this weekend, who are very dear to my heart, even though much has transpired in the way of revelation of my illness, they have been true friends through it all.  I’m fortunate to have friends who don’t turn away when life isn’t what we plan.  Thank you, all of you…you know who you are, and I am humbled by your support and love you, each of you, to the depth of my soul! 🙂

I am frustrated today!  I would love to write about something eternal, something spiritual, something more awemonous than what I feel, but today, I’m depressed, and it has a lot to do with a little of a lot of things.  I love to exercise, and I can’t; I love to hike, and I can’t; I love to swim, and I can’t; I’m in love but no one is in love with me.  That is not to say that I’m not desired, I know I am, I just know that the desire towards me is built upon what others read when I write about how I feel towards women, and I can’t just turn that on and off like a switch for any woman who wants to be loved; I have to feel it, give myself to it, and then live that love the rest of my life, which is as costly as it seems.

I have this little voice in my head telling me the first two loves were to teach me how, and that another will be for me….but it is so painful to know, over and over, I’m not what they want, to try again seems STUPID!  Yet, to give up on love and being loved, then what point is there in living??  That is what makes all of this BEAUTIFUL.  All the struggle, all the trials, all the turmoil, for what, if not to become someone who can give all of themselves to another unconditionally…if that ain’t the meaning of LIFE then I will never know what it is.  ❤