Jewels in my Crown

honours471eAs with everything in my life, I alter the plans to work best for me in accomplishing the goals to be achieved from the pattern most of the rest of the world follows.  My idiosyncrasies prohibit me from achieving the desired outcome if I try to do things the way others do them; I spent a lot of years learning this about myself…if I do it another’s way, I always fail, without exception…I know how to adapt things for me, and when came to raising three children, I did the same thing.  I made decisions that would achieve the goals I set for them.  When I looked into the lives others who either were raising children, or had raised children I saw two common denominators…those successes and/or the failures in the lives of the children could always be traced back to the decisions of the parents, and those successes parents always take credit for, and the failures they always blame the children.

My children were unfortunate enough to wind up in a dysfunctional family, with parents who continually made bad choices and thought life was one big fucking party.  If I made choices concerning them the way I made choices for myself, they would have grown up making the same type of choices that I made, and from the beginning I didn’t want that for them, and so I sought the tools they would need to have so that I could make sure that by the time they were stepping into adulthood they would be prepared to face those decisions in a way I never considered before;  and not be jaded and scarred with a lifetime of learning life’s lessons the hard way. Continue reading

What I’m looking for…

There is reason why I have never married again!  It’s been, well, a long time…my wife left in 1999 (which devastated me)…left me to raise three children on my own, and they turned out fantastic!  I have had girlfriends.  I have made a lot of friends of the opposite sex, but I have kept myself from stepping back into

Sometimes what I see in a girl can't be captured in a photo...

Sometimes what I see in a girl can’t be captured in a photo…

another marriage because I won’t make the same mistakes again.  I’m looking for a foundation on which to build, and for someone who inspires me to become more than who I am…many women intrigue me, even more excite me…it’s the rare find that actually is strong enough to be what I need, and still weak enough to need me. Continue reading

Choices! ugh…

stock-photo-vector-illustrations-of-busy-concepts-running-out-of-time-106546625Too much, to put everything into perspective!  A lot of changes going on in my life, nothing new for me that is true, but I usually try to find something stable and then let everything else gravitate around that.  In so doing, I keep a place of calm for me to focus on while the rest is all, well… FUCKED! Right now, everything is in motion, nothing is settling down…I’m making choices based on the long term, and the universe is keeping me in chaos in the moment!! Continue reading

Honor

titles_of_honor_1614I have earned honor, received honor, and it must be said that I have also acted dishonorably in my lifetime.  I’m stepping into something that it would benefit me to acknowledge honors I would never have considered before, because I believe a name should announce who you are more than a title.  My name is Zion, and for those who know me, I hope it means…that’s a friend you can depend on, that’s a man who is willing to go the extra mile and more, and that is a man that won’t ever believe a person can’t reach their potential, and I’ll believe in you.  I know it means:  I’ve walked roads nobody else has walked!  I’ve made mistakes; I’ve made bad choices, but I’ve made GOOD choices that overshadow all the others! Continue reading

Is the friend we need found in Jesus? Or is Jesus the friend we should be and find in each other?

Follow my example, worship me when that is completed.I spent the evening with friends and it seems they were each needing some time with a friend that lets them share anything and everything that has built up and has been festering beneath the surface of their individual realities for sometime.  It’s in moments like this that the art of keeping the dialogue to a more gentle openness, a passive activity in silence because most of the time they don’t need advice; they need a friend willing to become the role of support that is found in an understanding and receptive confidant.  Tonight I was useful in the lives of others by quietly offering a silent sanctuary for their concerns, feelings, thoughts, and need for such a repository to be secured with a trust that keeps these confidences bound to the friend they leaned upon. Continue reading

Community

Community….not an easy thing for someone such as me to build.  Due to my schizophrenia, much of my life experience is spent within the confinds of my own mind.  It didn’t use to be that way, I have done many things, scuba diving, sky diving, kayaking with whales, hiking the volcanoes of hawaii, traveling the coasts of the pacific northwest, and multiple near death experiences that have all shaped my way of looking at life, but as my disease has progressed and I have been caught up in my own isolation the ability to form new bonds among social avenues has become difficult.

Im a very spiritual person as my blog would suggest though have tended to be far to liberal in my approach to be included in any one stream of thought. Although I would consider myself Christian, I might be hard pressed to get an evangelical to accept that statement, but I’m still considered Catholic by the Church’s standard.

I’ve been attending various churches trying to find a sense of some place that I can once again find somewhere to grow some roots so that I don’t feel so displaced among the area I live.  I need some since of community and I just don’t have it, so I’m seeking to identify a little more with those that I have previously avoided because of differences in ideology.  I don’t so much have a problem with their ideology, unless it is so intolerent that it can’t accept anyone else’s, but I have expected that my own would meet with some discomfort and problems so I haven’t built these bridges in a very long time, and now I’m a little out of my depth, because I don’t know how to be myself in a public situation, so I’m always uneasy.

I like this format a lot better, but it only deepens my comfort in isolation  as I build relations with fellow bloggers that I never see or really enter into any type of dialogue that would ultimately foster some sort of real relationship beyond that of casual acquaintance, and I now see this as necessary whereas before I never did.

I still read my various religious works.  I like to know what others believe, but I’m focusing more on Christianity now in my reading as I try to find some commonalities to build upon in the effort to find somewhere to fit in as I struggle alone through this path we all refer to as life.

What are some things that you all have found to help you build a sense of unity with the people you interact with where you live or worship.  I find religion itself doesn’t necessarily build that community, it requires more interaction than just attending the same building for a common purpose once per week.  How does one build relationships when it is difficult to relate to others?  How does one foster new friendships in new situations?  I could really use some feedback on this,thanks.

Happiness

“Human relations based on mutual compassion and love are fundamentally important to human happiness.”

               ~ Dalai Lama

 

The more I grow in understanding of this Truth, the better life becomes for me on my best days.  Being the type that struggles through ebbs and flows both biologically deficient in major neurotransmitters and emotionally pulled taught to extremes inside, relationships have always been difficult for me.

I’ve always had this need to present myself as in control, so no matter how bad my instabilities would get, I would isolate to hide what I didn’t want others to see, and present a facade of everything is cool, or I’m just an asshole don’t pay me any attention.  Please forgive the vulgar vernacular here I thought it appropriate when I used it to describe myself for a couple years at the peak of my disabilities when I needed to keep people at a distance…at least, so I thought.  I managed to keep secret my Schizophrenia and depression secret for almost 20 years, self-medicating to maintain jobs and raise a family as a single dad.  My abilities to do that drained more and more from my strength as each year my symptoms worsened.  I finally came to hate the fact I was even alive….

Then, as Life would have me continue on in a different fashion, I was involved an accident that broke my face in 6 places and put me in the hospital on Oahu for 3 weeks.  During this time I was approved for medical insurance for the first time in years and with that came an opportunity to seek medical help for my disorders, if I just had the courage to ask for it.  I did, and now 9 months later, though I still face some debilitating struggles, and still have a long road of recovery ahead of me, I am rebuilding relationships with family and friends and discovering the happiness those bring as they share my struggles and burdens with me along this road of life.  All those years spent hiding my weakness, and had I just had the strength to be vulnerable I would have found the compassion and Love was around me all along.

Yet, though I have cause for regrets, I will use this remorse to build hope for a future I was blind too before the accident.  A life with purpose; a life with Love; a life using this gift of mine; a life filled with family and friends.

An Aspect of Compassion

“One aspect of compasion is to respect others’ rights and to respect others’ views.  That is the basis of reconciliation.  The human spirit of reconciliation based on compassion is working deep down, whether the person really knows it or not.  

Our basic human nature is gentleness; therefore, no matter how much we go through violence and other bad things, ultimately the proper solution is to return to human feeling and affection.  So affection or compassion is not only a religious matter, but in our day-to-day life it is quite indispensable.

                     ~Dahli Lama

Respect, much of what I came to believe during my youth had to be unlearned for me to understand the Wisdom I have found to be essential in embracing different religions and cultures.  I was raised on television bravado, such as John Wayne, where respect had to be earned or you didn’t get it.  This is a TERRIBLE foreign relations policy Continue reading

Gospel of Thomas (v.7)

“Blessed is the lion that the man shall eat,

so that the lion will become human.

Cursed is the man whom the lion shall eat,

and the lion will become human.”  (v.7)

When I read this verse, and meditate upon it, I keep revolving around the term “Lion of Judah”, a reference for Jesus in the Christian tradition.  I believe in prophecy, and I believe that because we all are indwelt by the Presence of the Creator then we all have access to knowledge beyond the 5 senses, learning to understand that knowledge and how to use the vision of that knowledge is not something I believe is widely known, nor even accepted.

I believe this verse was spoken in a prophetic since by Jesus in regards to what would become instituted as the Eucharist, or Communion as it is also referred too.  “I am the Bread of Life.” (John 6:48) Continue reading

Always & Forever

A common theme to my interior life and thus to much of my creations is Unconditional Love.  It is devotion and passion without boundaries.  It is something that at birth we are all capable of giving for it appears to be imprinted upon us through the process of creation itself.  With the first kiss of breath, that very moment that Life sparks within the essence of a babe the ability to Love is Present, only through experience and degeneration are we brought low to exist with the walls of fear for possible injury and threat to our emotional and physical security. Continue reading

The selfless self!

“The Sage wants to remain behind,

But finds himself at the head of others;

Reckons himself out,

But finds himself safe and secure.

Is it not because he is selfless

That his Self is realized?”

           ~Lao Tsu

Anyone who has began the journey of loving another unconditionally will soon discover that the self, that inner part of us that always came first until this venture, must be made sacrifice for the good of the Beloved.   Continue reading

Am I truly ready for change?

This is such a great question to ask when faced with life decisions.  We are always asking ourselves: do I want this? do I need this?  is this really what I want to do with my life?  But one of the best questions I find for almost any area, whether it is interior or exterior issues, is:  am i ready for change?   Continue reading

When giving Gifts think of the Receiver.

One of the things that I hate about birthdays and Christmas is the random accumulation of things that mean absolutely nothing to anyone, we just feel obligated to buy something so we do, and speaks no sentiment, and means nothing other than clutter to the one receiving it.

My Mom, bought me a gift today, for no reason other than to give her son a gift, which I think is the best reason…much better than for a specific day.  And what did I get?  A GIFT that is perfect for ME!

I am fascinated with Religions, Wisdom, Folklore, and Spirituality.  As can be seen by my posts, I love reading about them, experiencing what I am able to experience and writing about what I come to know. Continue reading