A peace without pictures.

I am accustomed to extreme bouts of mental unrest, and far too many events of staggering confusion in my disease of Paranoid Schizophrenia.  At times, my mind becomes the battlefield of a war that seems to never end and the carnage is the deep wounds of a fractured psyche and phobias that resonate with the call to arms in a futile attempt at control.   Continue reading

Learning while living

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all got a practice run at living before we lived the life that counts?  I mean to have an opportunity to live through the mistakes, retain the knowledge and then do it right. Continue reading

Love Eternal

Sometimes my worst nights are followed by my greatest insights into myself and the Truths this Life presents to me.  As I lay in the darkness, unable to sleep, but neither am I plagued with the mental attacks I wrote of yesterday, I am overwhelmed with the Truth that I am centered in Love and that Love is with me through the best of times and the worst of times, even when I lose sight of it. Continue reading

Happiness

“Human relations based on mutual compassion and love are fundamentally important to human happiness.”

               ~ Dalai Lama

 

The more I grow in understanding of this Truth, the better life becomes for me on my best days.  Being the type that struggles through ebbs and flows both biologically deficient in major neurotransmitters and emotionally pulled taught to extremes inside, relationships have always been difficult for me.

I’ve always had this need to present myself as in control, so no matter how bad my instabilities would get, I would isolate to hide what I didn’t want others to see, and present a facade of everything is cool, or I’m just an asshole don’t pay me any attention.  Please forgive the vulgar vernacular here I thought it appropriate when I used it to describe myself for a couple years at the peak of my disabilities when I needed to keep people at a distance…at least, so I thought.  I managed to keep secret my Schizophrenia and depression secret for almost 20 years, self-medicating to maintain jobs and raise a family as a single dad.  My abilities to do that drained more and more from my strength as each year my symptoms worsened.  I finally came to hate the fact I was even alive….

Then, as Life would have me continue on in a different fashion, I was involved an accident that broke my face in 6 places and put me in the hospital on Oahu for 3 weeks.  During this time I was approved for medical insurance for the first time in years and with that came an opportunity to seek medical help for my disorders, if I just had the courage to ask for it.  I did, and now 9 months later, though I still face some debilitating struggles, and still have a long road of recovery ahead of me, I am rebuilding relationships with family and friends and discovering the happiness those bring as they share my struggles and burdens with me along this road of life.  All those years spent hiding my weakness, and had I just had the strength to be vulnerable I would have found the compassion and Love was around me all along.

Yet, though I have cause for regrets, I will use this remorse to build hope for a future I was blind too before the accident.  A life with purpose; a life with Love; a life using this gift of mine; a life filled with family and friends.

Just As I Am

I’m, for the most part, a solitary man, keeping to myself, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a wild social side to me, I just keep that in check for the most part and only let that part of me see the light of day on special occasions with close friends.   Continue reading

An Aspect of Compassion

“One aspect of compasion is to respect others’ rights and to respect others’ views.  That is the basis of reconciliation.  The human spirit of reconciliation based on compassion is working deep down, whether the person really knows it or not.  

Our basic human nature is gentleness; therefore, no matter how much we go through violence and other bad things, ultimately the proper solution is to return to human feeling and affection.  So affection or compassion is not only a religious matter, but in our day-to-day life it is quite indispensable.

                     ~Dahli Lama

Respect, much of what I came to believe during my youth had to be unlearned for me to understand the Wisdom I have found to be essential in embracing different religions and cultures.  I was raised on television bravado, such as John Wayne, where respect had to be earned or you didn’t get it.  This is a TERRIBLE foreign relations policy Continue reading

The Joy of Blogging

When I first googled the word “blog” this last April I had never even read a blog, much less written one.  I never had any interest in it, but a friend had suggested it might be a good idea for me and I knew I had a natural talent for writing ever since college.  Back then, I preferred classes with a 10 page final instead of a test because I new I would get an “A” in that class, without much time investment.  I have been writing a  journal for over 20 years, so in a certain since, I’ve been preparing for this for a very long time, but I didn’t know I would come to enjoy it so much. Continue reading

Gospel of Thomas (v.7)

“Blessed is the lion that the man shall eat,

so that the lion will become human.

Cursed is the man whom the lion shall eat,

and the lion will become human.”  (v.7)

When I read this verse, and meditate upon it, I keep revolving around the term “Lion of Judah”, a reference for Jesus in the Christian tradition.  I believe in prophecy, and I believe that because we all are indwelt by the Presence of the Creator then we all have access to knowledge beyond the 5 senses, learning to understand that knowledge and how to use the vision of that knowledge is not something I believe is widely known, nor even accepted.

I believe this verse was spoken in a prophetic since by Jesus in regards to what would become instituted as the Eucharist, or Communion as it is also referred too.  “I am the Bread of Life.” (John 6:48) Continue reading

Always & Forever

A common theme to my interior life and thus to much of my creations is Unconditional Love.  It is devotion and passion without boundaries.  It is something that at birth we are all capable of giving for it appears to be imprinted upon us through the process of creation itself.  With the first kiss of breath, that very moment that Life sparks within the essence of a babe the ability to Love is Present, only through experience and degeneration are we brought low to exist with the walls of fear for possible injury and threat to our emotional and physical security. Continue reading

Presence

Lo do I know the pain of memories that haunt the night.  The mares both day and night come to steal what peace I pretend to have as I relive the agony of that which was stolen, taken by force as the brutish and evil wreak havoc upon the weak and the innocent. Continue reading

Guilt or Remorse??

Guilt, as experienced in Western culture, is connected with hopelessness and discouragement and is past-oriented.  Genuine remorse, however, is a healthy state of mind–it is future oriented, connected with hope and causes us to act, to change.

                                ~Dalai Lama

I no longer allow guilt to haunt my present as it did when I was younger.  I used to be riddled with it, and I can tell you with the utmost sincerity, not once did guilt ever change my behavior.  I continued to do the vary things I felt guilty about and just lowered my self-worth and heaped on the shame of my existence, which only served to increase my self-destructive behaviors which led to more guilt…oh, it was a damn sick sight of a carousel ride! Continue reading

Becoming One with the Day

I slip through the doorway into the the night with a silent movement.  In the darkness I again find my repose.  In the effortless tune of tranquility I hear the melody of the day begin to play as the pitch of black becomes deep blue.  The rhythm is already in motion through the taps upon the tin above me from the tears of the night born this morn as the joy of dawn. Continue reading

The Birth of Silence

In the darkness I am open with a sight not known to me.  Standing at the edge of nothingness, when all that is fades from shape and future into a formless void, I see the beginning of all things as it was before the birth of creation.  The breath of Me is still present, I can know it yet separated from an empirical perception, in a state of existence where senses are bereft of knowledge and an effortless consciousness is required to become aware of the unattainable…tranquil silence. Continue reading