Easter

CalvaryHaving been raised in a Christian culture, and having spent much of my adult life seeking answers to spiritual questions I have run the gamut on how I approach this holiday.  I no longer feel the need to celebrate it at church…I will attend sometimes, but I don’t believe it’s a necessity, and my reasons for attending usually are motivated other than worship.  Even though, I am just as apt to engage in playful sarcasm at Christian faith as I am to say the blessing over the Easter dinner, I do respect that for millions yesterday is a solemn day of their faith….for me though, it is a day of FAMILY! Continue reading

Jewels in my Crown

honours471eAs with everything in my life, I alter the plans to work best for me in accomplishing the goals to be achieved from the pattern most of the rest of the world follows.  My idiosyncrasies prohibit me from achieving the desired outcome if I try to do things the way others do them; I spent a lot of years learning this about myself…if I do it another’s way, I always fail, without exception…I know how to adapt things for me, and when came to raising three children, I did the same thing.  I made decisions that would achieve the goals I set for them.  When I looked into the lives others who either were raising children, or had raised children I saw two common denominators…those successes and/or the failures in the lives of the children could always be traced back to the decisions of the parents, and those successes parents always take credit for, and the failures they always blame the children.

My children were unfortunate enough to wind up in a dysfunctional family, with parents who continually made bad choices and thought life was one big fucking party.  If I made choices concerning them the way I made choices for myself, they would have grown up making the same type of choices that I made, and from the beginning I didn’t want that for them, and so I sought the tools they would need to have so that I could make sure that by the time they were stepping into adulthood they would be prepared to face those decisions in a way I never considered before;  and not be jaded and scarred with a lifetime of learning life’s lessons the hard way. Continue reading

Dr. Zion :-) (deciding???)

Sometimes what I see in a girl can't be captured in a photo...

Sometimes what I see in a girl can’t be captured in a photo…

In 1999, I was on the phone with  Princeton University; I was seriously considering pursing my religious studies in Theology through them, and I had the grades to get in…that year saw the end of a marriage, me with three children under 8 on my own, and some serious depression!  I have the degree…I’ve written the thesis…I’m no where near who I was then.   Continue reading

Finding my need for atonement again

“A broken and contrite heart, O Lord, you will not despise.”  Psalm 51:17

It is difficult sometimes to have a mental deficit that keeps me on guard during schizophrenic episodes, and remember who I am underneath it all.  I get lost in the stories that fill my mind and they often are very anti-spiritual, definitely anti-Christ in persuasion, and my faith is buried in an effort to protect the Heart that is so precious to me, one that developed in a Love that taught me to accept myself as I am, and give all of myself in service to Love for another.  Continue reading

Intimate kiss of silence…

The darkness of the early morn covers me like a shroud.  The prayer of my slow rhythmic breath is felt upon the skin of my folded hands, fingers interlaced and humbly I’m knelt in submission to the peace I so rarely know in the midst of my mental battles, yet drawn back during the moments of sanity I am graced with now.  In this act my life is resurected once more. Continue reading

Faith or Imagination?

I have found that much of what I use to believe or call faith was just imagination.  When I was younger and new to Christianity they told me to have faith and God would grant me that which I asked of him….then they would add, “as long as it isn’t selfish.”  It took me years of frustrated blind ignorance to come to understand that everything is selfish when I’m not surrendered to someone or something greater than myself.  Even my prayers for others would be selfish, or my service to the poor.  It all stems from “I feel sympathy” or “I feel good when I do this for you, or others”.  It all has a motivational basis within us that in some way or another ultimately comes back to what we get from the action.   Continue reading

The Gospel of Thomas (v. 11)

This heaven will pass away and that which is above it will pass away.  The dead are not alive and the living will not die.  In the days when you ate what is dead, you made it alive.  When you come into the light, what will you do?  On the day when you were one, you became two.  But when you have become two, what will you do?

     ~Gospel of Thomas (v.11)

This is a very cryptic line that Jesus spoke to his disciples concerning the purpose and meaning of life, as they knew it, as he knew it, and as God knows it.  There are two levels of heaven that Jesus refers to here, or rather two perceptions of heaven both will pass away.  The first, this heaven, that which we create through Love on Earth, and more personally, Jesus was referring to Himself, will pass away; he died on the Cross and our mortality is limited.  The heaven above refers to that which took place prior to Creation, before their was opportunity to become enlightened and as we Christians refer to it, redeemed.  Continue reading

A peace without pictures.

I am accustomed to extreme bouts of mental unrest, and far too many events of staggering confusion in my disease of Paranoid Schizophrenia.  At times, my mind becomes the battlefield of a war that seems to never end and the carnage is the deep wounds of a fractured psyche and phobias that resonate with the call to arms in a futile attempt at control.   Continue reading

Prayer…

“Religion has lost sight of Jesus’ message…We aren’t focused on the great mystery.  Rather religion has tended to create people who think they have God in their pockets, people with quick, easy glib answers.  That is why so much of the West is understandably abandoning religion. People know the great mystery cannot be that simple and facile.  If the great mystery is indeed the Great Mystery, it will lead us into paradox, into darkness, and into journeys that never cease.  That is what prayer is about.”  

~ Fr. Richard Rohr  (a Jesuit Priest)

One of the wonderful things about prayer is that it isn’t predictable.  It is delving into the the ultimate unknown, but never is it unknowable.  Continue reading

The Gospel of Thomas (v.10)

I have cast fire on the world and, look, I am guarding it until it blazes.

 

If any person has had words that have sparked a flame in the heart of people and grew to brilliance, Jesus is definitely one of them.  The wisdom in his teachings are impressive and I love how he teaches with story and parable.  In the very effort of understanding him he weeds out those who desire to know from those who have no passion for Wisdom. Continue reading

The Breath of Life

I’ve mentioned often my quest for Wisdom and seeking silent serenity through prayer and meditation.  It is not always easy to quiet the mind especially for someone who has ADHD and is Schizophrenic.  The mind races all the time and though medicine help quiet that down some it is still like trying to find a quiet moment in Grand Central Station.   Continue reading

Twilight’s fire!

This morning I sat on the patio and watched the Dawn break up the canopy of night and replace the twinkle of the heavens with brilliant blues and rays of yellow and orange.  I watch this time after time, morning after morning and I never tire of it. Continue reading

Gospel of Thomas (v.9)

The sower went out, filled his hand and sowed.  Some seeds fell on the road; birds came and gathered them up.  Others fell on the rock and did not root in the earth and did not produce.  Others fell among thorns; the thorns choked the seeds and worms ate them.  But others fell on good ground and brought forth good fruit.  These yielded sixty per measure and one hundred and twenty measures.

Continue reading