It is the mantra of the one who never seems to fit the mold of the system, click, or culture that he finds himself emersed within: I walk alone! It is a truth that has resounded through the vast corridors of my past and still resonates in the rhythm that continues to be the iambic of my solitary march through life. It hasn’t really ever mattered whether or not I was surrounded by people, watchers, holy or unholy, it just seems that I’m an odd fit when made to be applied to any role other than the One I always play, and that role doesn’t allow for the rigidity to be locked down to the narrow criteria of most systems codes or rules for qualifying membership. I just don’t approach life the same way I find most others predisposed to do….and it is distressing from the point of view of romance and friendship, because I never wanted to be a reclusive sage that piled away his wisdom and never allowed the beauty of truly touching the heart and soul of another so as to share in the treasure that only such complete abandonment to merging of selves can ever hope to discover; the walk of one is for those who should be leaders, commanders, the people who can handle the cost of bearing the burden of their charge alone, setting the standard for those that look to them for the courage and fortitude necessarry to continue when the path seems to have given up all sign of finding the refuge they now desperately find themselves in need. I’m a good assessor of people, a wise man of descerment, but the valiant stable leader who walks alone in all he does has never been my strong characteristic, it is just a fact of life that I have learned to tolerate as my inability to trust others and my circumstances helped to dictate that I must carry on alone iof I am to carry on at all. This is how I find my circumstances so this is what I do, so far from the desire of the future that I always dream will come to fruition in my life along ths never ending journey that I know I will tarry along….forever.
I always tell myself the Truth! It is liberating and at the same time a heavy burden as the freedom to accept that life is what it is while the knowing of the hidden things from the eyes of others keeps me from ever really being one with the same group, because I know, I’m out! It is the fact that I know that I am often faced with the reality that I must chose to ignore the truth and carry on as I am in defiance of the glaring problems that exist and insist that are not in my view or in my life; thus I just pretend everything is okay. Or do I choose to find a new place and expect that the grass is greener on the other side of the same planet? Doubtful, the same things will be found in the same garden, the same toils, snares and pitfalls in the same wilderness among the same specie. It is the way of the reality where I find myself to be. To confront is an effort that has proven to be a task in frutility as it produces the same results everytime, and this is something that I can no longer tolerate participating in, so the quandry persists….how do I fare in this? how do I find my place to contribute to others in a world that my place is always somewhere else that has no portal to step through to enter. I’m a pathfinder, with a path that doesn’t exist to follow, and I am finding it a grave depression to continue to just fight to exist when my existence is never what I fought to have in the first place!
I am having an emotional delima over the fact that it appears that even though I find it intriguing to know the purpose and meaning of my life, to know I’m a lover and a friend that sets the standard for such beyond expectation while never seeking anyone to commit to such an application of devotion themselves; this is how I view love. I don’t seek to be loved the way I desire and love another, but I do seek to be needed so that my commitment is both necessary and valued. This allows me to experience the purposefulness of the very things I worked so hard to attain in the fight to become a man worthy to be given such an honor. In the process of that war to change the essence of this man I lost the things I once held dear, those preoccupation that once defined the beliefs I thought to be the point of existence left to gather dust in the deseart that parched my soul and refined me into the birth of a new creation that understands life, relations, the universe, and so much more in far different terms than what I began with as young man with a foreign name and a serious lack of meaning to go with it.
Out of the desert walked the One that calls himself Zion Amoure, the meaning being that of Heaven’s Love, not so much to be equated with any one religions view, as the heaven I envision is not described in any such texts that I have foudn, but it is a reflection and description of the Love I sought to learn from the teachings of Jesus, and have applied to allow me to love with unconditional fervor for another. It is only with such determined commitment that love breaks through the strongest boundry of another … “fear”! Love must prove that it will never be lost, could never be wronged to such an extent that it will cease to exist or turn away from the object of its affection. Only such a pervasive Love is capable of showing another that there is no reason to FEAR that in my eyes, in my heart, in my life, the love will never end and that person will always find me loving them, today, tomorrow, and eons along the journey forward…ever faithful to keep the desire and passion for the other a constant reality of the universe. I love this way, because it is the one thing I always wanted from another soul, another spirit, just one other person to offer up such fire for me, and never found; thus I chose to love another in the way I longed to be loved myself, and continue to seek to prove that this love is the love that defines the meaning and purpose of an everlasting life, and brings with it the hope of a day, a new way, a new experience to cherrish in the now…forever.
Even just writing this, reminds me of my passion and eases my fallen contenence so that I am uplifted to once again carry on. Yes, I carry on alone but only in person, never in mind or spirit…and it is enough to believe in the possiblity of a someday the miracle of knowing that I might be the One important enough to be needed for the very purpose I now claim to an expert in….loving the one that gives meaning to my existence.
Peace and Love be with you,
Zion Marion Amoure