A new beginning…

The only way to see the ending is to stand at the beginning.

The only way to see the ending is to stand at the beginning.

For the last two days I’ve been diligently pushing myself to learn about social networks, the intricacies of website management, and the frustrations of being completely foreign to the code and necessary knowledge to not find myself spending hours to try to perform a task, only to suffer repeated failure for the effort.  I found a way to satisfy my design desires for my by blog, while the added features that I will eventually add are on my to do list; continual education into a vital market for me as a writer.

As an introvert I find this adventure I’m on a contradiction. I easily find myself in temporary seclusion, pouring over books, contemplating matters of the mind and the spiritual life that has enticed me much as writing does.  Over the last year I’ve allowed myself to share a great deal through my endeavors at maintaining a public blog for the first time.  It is a natural fit to be alone and typing and then at the same time effectively reaching over a 1000 people with the silent voice of my words; the internet has broadened my circle of fellowship and it appears will be growing exponentially as the year progresses and I build this network of fellow bloggers, writers, seekers tweeters, teachers, and more. Continue reading

Is the friend we need found in Jesus? Or is Jesus the friend we should be and find in each other?

Follow my example, worship me when that is completed.I spent the evening with friends and it seems they were each needing some time with a friend that lets them share anything and everything that has built up and has been festering beneath the surface of their individual realities for sometime.  It’s in moments like this that the art of keeping the dialogue to a more gentle openness, a passive activity in silence because most of the time they don’t need advice; they need a friend willing to become the role of support that is found in an understanding and receptive confidant.  Tonight I was useful in the lives of others by quietly offering a silent sanctuary for their concerns, feelings, thoughts, and need for such a repository to be secured with a trust that keeps these confidences bound to the friend they leaned upon. Continue reading

Community

Community….not an easy thing for someone such as me to build.  Due to my schizophrenia, much of my life experience is spent within the confinds of my own mind.  It didn’t use to be that way, I have done many things, scuba diving, sky diving, kayaking with whales, hiking the volcanoes of hawaii, traveling the coasts of the pacific northwest, and multiple near death experiences that have all shaped my way of looking at life, but as my disease has progressed and I have been caught up in my own isolation the ability to form new bonds among social avenues has become difficult.

Im a very spiritual person as my blog would suggest though have tended to be far to liberal in my approach to be included in any one stream of thought. Although I would consider myself Christian, I might be hard pressed to get an evangelical to accept that statement, but I’m still considered Catholic by the Church’s standard.

I’ve been attending various churches trying to find a sense of some place that I can once again find somewhere to grow some roots so that I don’t feel so displaced among the area I live.  I need some since of community and I just don’t have it, so I’m seeking to identify a little more with those that I have previously avoided because of differences in ideology.  I don’t so much have a problem with their ideology, unless it is so intolerent that it can’t accept anyone else’s, but I have expected that my own would meet with some discomfort and problems so I haven’t built these bridges in a very long time, and now I’m a little out of my depth, because I don’t know how to be myself in a public situation, so I’m always uneasy.

I like this format a lot better, but it only deepens my comfort in isolation  as I build relations with fellow bloggers that I never see or really enter into any type of dialogue that would ultimately foster some sort of real relationship beyond that of casual acquaintance, and I now see this as necessary whereas before I never did.

I still read my various religious works.  I like to know what others believe, but I’m focusing more on Christianity now in my reading as I try to find some commonalities to build upon in the effort to find somewhere to fit in as I struggle alone through this path we all refer to as life.

What are some things that you all have found to help you build a sense of unity with the people you interact with where you live or worship.  I find religion itself doesn’t necessarily build that community, it requires more interaction than just attending the same building for a common purpose once per week.  How does one build relationships when it is difficult to relate to others?  How does one foster new friendships in new situations?  I could really use some feedback on this,thanks.

Finding my need for atonement again

“A broken and contrite heart, O Lord, you will not despise.”  Psalm 51:17

It is difficult sometimes to have a mental deficit that keeps me on guard during schizophrenic episodes, and remember who I am underneath it all.  I get lost in the stories that fill my mind and they often are very anti-spiritual, definitely anti-Christ in persuasion, and my faith is buried in an effort to protect the Heart that is so precious to me, one that developed in a Love that taught me to accept myself as I am, and give all of myself in service to Love for another.  Continue reading

Intimate kiss of silence…

The darkness of the early morn covers me like a shroud.  The prayer of my slow rhythmic breath is felt upon the skin of my folded hands, fingers interlaced and humbly I’m knelt in submission to the peace I so rarely know in the midst of my mental battles, yet drawn back during the moments of sanity I am graced with now.  In this act my life is resurected once more. Continue reading

Faith or Imagination?

I have found that much of what I use to believe or call faith was just imagination.  When I was younger and new to Christianity they told me to have faith and God would grant me that which I asked of him….then they would add, “as long as it isn’t selfish.”  It took me years of frustrated blind ignorance to come to understand that everything is selfish when I’m not surrendered to someone or something greater than myself.  Even my prayers for others would be selfish, or my service to the poor.  It all stems from “I feel sympathy” or “I feel good when I do this for you, or others”.  It all has a motivational basis within us that in some way or another ultimately comes back to what we get from the action.   Continue reading

The Gospel of Thomas (v. 11)

This heaven will pass away and that which is above it will pass away.  The dead are not alive and the living will not die.  In the days when you ate what is dead, you made it alive.  When you come into the light, what will you do?  On the day when you were one, you became two.  But when you have become two, what will you do?

     ~Gospel of Thomas (v.11)

This is a very cryptic line that Jesus spoke to his disciples concerning the purpose and meaning of life, as they knew it, as he knew it, and as God knows it.  There are two levels of heaven that Jesus refers to here, or rather two perceptions of heaven both will pass away.  The first, this heaven, that which we create through Love on Earth, and more personally, Jesus was referring to Himself, will pass away; he died on the Cross and our mortality is limited.  The heaven above refers to that which took place prior to Creation, before their was opportunity to become enlightened and as we Christians refer to it, redeemed.  Continue reading

Intimacy

There is a blessing that comes with those who endure the path of sorrow and tears.  Those that bottle it up and won’t allow it to flow deny themselves this, unaware that it is in the depth of the soul when the heart longs for peace and is desperate for a gentle touch, a moments caress, the embrace of Love if only for a brief respite. Continue reading

Finding my way home…

Home is my place of safety, security, where I dwell most and my source of meaning and purpose for all I am or endeavor to pursue.  Here in this limited existence as a member of humanity I have had for most of my life a since that I wasn’t at home, that I was “a stranger in a strange land” and that home awaited my return at some distant unknown departure from this mortality.  I have known I’m loved, as I am, completely and unconditionally for a long time now, only it was like I appreciated the intention and the sincerity of the gesture but since I had no obligation to keep I let it be just that, and went on with life as I understood it to be.  It wasn’t until I sought to actively become the love I received for another that I truly began to change from what was a meaningless existence without purpose, or at least my “given” purpose for living….just the continued insistence of often well meaning others who tried to tell me what should be my meaning and purpose as they see it.

I slipped into grave depression as I gave up on life ever having any meaning at all because I couldn’t produce the passion I required to adopt what others insisted should be my motivation, care, and responsibilities.  Without passion and attachment to something other than myself, as having more importance than myself I was listless and disgusted with having to exist at all.  I became detached from everything as a result of my passionless existence.  What many seek through meditation and years of focus to achieve I did as an act of defiance to a world insisting I be something I’m not, which produced nothing but isolation and hopelessness, though without the chronic worries that most people carry.  Some detachment is necessary for a carefree existence in a world of uncertainty and calamity…but it needs to be balanced with compassion and love, genuine love to be anything other than a self imposed exile from all human relation.

In learning to love unconditionally another soul, another person more than anything else in existence I finally came to understand the true meaning of the Christian cross, and what it means to daily pick up that cross and follow.  I knew what I needed was to be like Jesus, not necessarily worship Jesus.  I modeled my devotion for my beloved after his gospel example and found that to love this much means to love even in the face of rejection, revolution, hatred, and to the extent of the worst sins possible to imagine, it all has to be endured or the love is not true, just a conditional affection that can be lost if the standard isn’t met to satisfaction.  In learning to love in this fashion, everything is sacrificed in the effort.  Pride, ego, hopes, dreams, family, friends, faith, religious beliefs, and the expectation of ever being loved in return are all nailed to that cross if the love is true.  That is what it means to love someone as Christ loves his Church, and that is how I came to know Love…through the daily dying of all that I was until Love saw in me the endurance required to entrust the soul of another into my care.

In the remnants of this once sane and proud young man is now the heart of Love that will never perish and is awake and aware of my presence at home in the security and affection of the one who loves me so much as to give me the time required to bring me around and turn into the very one Love always knew I would be.

In my current awareness I now know me to be both Lover and Beloved both are possible through the essence of the Love that has always been here and waiting for just this opportunity to bring this into fruition.  I feel alive!  And though I sit here, the scarred and wounded man left from this experience, I know Life as if for the first time, and I think of my absent beloved and know, she is worth the price and worth the wait, even to the end of time itself.

My journey has led me to death and life again, and I believe it has only just begun.  🙂

 

Carpenters – We’ve Only Just Begun

 

 

A peace without pictures.

I am accustomed to extreme bouts of mental unrest, and far too many events of staggering confusion in my disease of Paranoid Schizophrenia.  At times, my mind becomes the battlefield of a war that seems to never end and the carnage is the deep wounds of a fractured psyche and phobias that resonate with the call to arms in a futile attempt at control.   Continue reading

Prayer…

“Religion has lost sight of Jesus’ message…We aren’t focused on the great mystery.  Rather religion has tended to create people who think they have God in their pockets, people with quick, easy glib answers.  That is why so much of the West is understandably abandoning religion. People know the great mystery cannot be that simple and facile.  If the great mystery is indeed the Great Mystery, it will lead us into paradox, into darkness, and into journeys that never cease.  That is what prayer is about.”  

~ Fr. Richard Rohr  (a Jesuit Priest)

One of the wonderful things about prayer is that it isn’t predictable.  It is delving into the the ultimate unknown, but never is it unknowable.  Continue reading

I love finding new Wisdom

I’m starting to read another book today.  I’m always working through several at once, but I finished one last week and I’m finishing another this week, so I purchased “Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism” by Chögyam Trungpa.   Continue reading

The Gospel of Thomas (v.10)

I have cast fire on the world and, look, I am guarding it until it blazes.

 

If any person has had words that have sparked a flame in the heart of people and grew to brilliance, Jesus is definitely one of them.  The wisdom in his teachings are impressive and I love how he teaches with story and parable.  In the very effort of understanding him he weeds out those who desire to know from those who have no passion for Wisdom. Continue reading

The Breath of Life

I’ve mentioned often my quest for Wisdom and seeking silent serenity through prayer and meditation.  It is not always easy to quiet the mind especially for someone who has ADHD and is Schizophrenic.  The mind races all the time and though medicine help quiet that down some it is still like trying to find a quiet moment in Grand Central Station.   Continue reading