I’m surprised i can write, I’m in the middle of episode. I don’t know which is worse the fact that I’m lost in a delusion or I drank so much beer I’m having dt’s today without one (shakes, cold sweats, muscle tension). I’ve had a beer and I’m going to see if maintenance drinking takes care of it, if not then my delusion tells me my landlady is poisoning me with strychnine, lacing my coffee and ice cubes with a weed killer of some sort. I just happen to know that the symptoms for strychnine poisoning are very similar in affect, not that I’m use to being poisoned but strychnine is a common ingredient in LSD and if too much is used then facial muscle constriction and the above symptoms along with vomiting may occur.
If it truly is dt’s which a reasonable person should suspect, then a few beers should make it all go away.
So, last night I went through an all night “flip out” again…when it gets so bad I can’t stop it….I sit lotus style, hold tight to a pillow, rock back and forth, and pray for someone else….lately there is particular girl I pray for, I picture her smile and it calms me down….I was so scared last night. I hate admitting that, but I’ve been through this so many times, and I always go through it alone….sometimes I wish someone was here to talk me through it, but then again, it is hard enough for me to handle….too see the pain in the eyes of someone who cared for me cause they didn’t know what to do might just be too much for me to take.
About 1am my mom was online and I called her and she asked me questions about normal life shit, which helped distract me for awhile. After we hung up, I turned off the computer screen, inched through the darkness to my bed and sat there until the sun came up 5hours later, my mind never stopped and I never moved. There is some comfort in the darkness. When I came to the conclusion that my coffee was laced with poison, I got out of bed and had another cup! If someone has the audacity to murder me, I outta at least give them the opportunity to succeed. Sometimes, I hate being alive. This is how I confront my parnaia…..”you wanna FUCK WITH ME…BRING IT!!’
15 years ago, I was in a delusional state, being beaten baseball bats, tied up, stuffed in a sleeping bag, doused with kerosene and set on fire….I saw the flames leaping off my body, and felt the heat….a voice said “aren’t you gonna get up and run.” I yelled back, “fuck you! Let me cook!” Laid there until there could be no possible way I was still alive and the flames went away. Now I pray, and think of someone that stands before like the promise of Eden, only those who are CHOSEN as worthy may call her home. I live somewhere East of her it seems, I forget the name of the place…was it Wink’n, was it Blink’n, no, it was Nod. Back when I was ABLE to become something more I killed that part of me for whatever reason, maybe no reason at all, and I’m left bearing the mark of a CAINing, the mark of punishment, for the deeds I chose to pursue. Eden is real enough, but only what could have been for me, only what could have been.
My hands are still shaking, my knees are week…I sound like old Elvis song….I’m all shook up!