Terror and fascination of the mind that illuminates the invisible and casts a shadow over reality is the toll demanded by the disease that refracts the spectrum of all I understand during my schizophrenic episodes; this last one, a two month journey through the looking-glass. Continue reading
I am accustomed to extreme bouts of mental unrest, and far too many events of staggering confusion in my disease of Paranoid Schizophrenia. At times, my mind becomes the battlefield of a war that seems to never end and the carnage is the deep wounds of a fractured psyche and phobias that resonate with the call to arms in a futile attempt at control. Continue reading
I spent a couple of days working with my best friend on a house remodel, in this adventure he is the talent savant, I’m just an extra pair of hands. We joke and have fun while getting done what needs to be done…great thing about independent contractors is that their hours can be a lot like a writers, with flexible starts and stops, as long as the product gets accomplished in a reasonable timely manner.
Last night, I was having a great evening with his family, then I felt my mind begin to draw away…then the voices, soon I had to vacate and pretend I was asleep as the one of the worst night terrors came upon me and I lay there, my breathing slowly paced to exhibit restlefulness, while inside my mind the battle rages. The cells of the prison within the isolation of my mind erupts with such a frenzy Continue reading
“Human relations based on mutual compassion and love are fundamentally important to human happiness.”
~ Dalai Lama
The more I grow in understanding of this Truth, the better life becomes for me on my best days. Being the type that struggles through ebbs and flows both biologically deficient in major neurotransmitters and emotionally pulled taught to extremes inside, relationships have always been difficult for me.
I’ve always had this need to present myself as in control, so no matter how bad my instabilities would get, I would isolate to hide what I didn’t want others to see, and present a facade of everything is cool, or I’m just an asshole don’t pay me any attention. Please forgive the vulgar vernacular here I thought it appropriate when I used it to describe myself for a couple years at the peak of my disabilities when I needed to keep people at a distance…at least, so I thought. I managed to keep secret my Schizophrenia and depression secret for almost 20 years, self-medicating to maintain jobs and raise a family as a single dad. My abilities to do that drained more and more from my strength as each year my symptoms worsened. I finally came to hate the fact I was even alive….
Then, as Life would have me continue on in a different fashion, I was involved an accident that broke my face in 6 places and put me in the hospital on Oahu for 3 weeks. During this time I was approved for medical insurance for the first time in years and with that came an opportunity to seek medical help for my disorders, if I just had the courage to ask for it. I did, and now 9 months later, though I still face some debilitating struggles, and still have a long road of recovery ahead of me, I am rebuilding relationships with family and friends and discovering the happiness those bring as they share my struggles and burdens with me along this road of life. All those years spent hiding my weakness, and had I just had the strength to be vulnerable I would have found the compassion and Love was around me all along.
Yet, though I have cause for regrets, I will use this remorse to build hope for a future I was blind too before the accident. A life with purpose; a life with Love; a life using this gift of mine; a life filled with family and friends.
Coming out the other side of a psychotic slip…I haven’t eaten in a couple of days, stayed in bed for near 27 hours, my mind surfing through programing like the remote is broken and I feel wiped out, clik-clack..pow! To much information to sift through….my brain feels like it just lived through a 24 hour infomercial selling everything known to man….tilt! tilt!
So what does this mean for me….well, it means I have to spend the next few days figuring out what new programming I have adopted …like right now I am convinced I’m fat and I’m refusing to eat; I don’t know why I have this mental block on eating at the moment but the only thing I will allow is milk vitamins and coffee. It isn’t logical, if I try to discover why, it won’t make any sense, so I no better than to waste time on questions that are not based in reason. The facts stand that during the last 24 hours I adopted a new aversion to food, and I have to fix it, or just not eat. Weird?? Try living this way! It like living through a system crash, and brain just got hacked and left with a virus. Only I’m stuck with this brain, I can’t just run down to Walmart and pick up another HP model for a couple more years until it tanks. This is the life I live and that is that! I believe I find such hope and beauty in simple things for the very reason that I know it can all go away just that quick, and then fighting to have that one moment of peace is fleeting at best, but I’ll get there again, and I’ll go this again…it’s just the way it is.
“True Peace with ourselves and with the world around us can only be achieved through the development of mental peace.” ~ Dalai Lama I question this having to live with the reality that mental peace can be stripped away like the aftermath of a Hurricane. I have little control over this, and I have developed these control methods in isolation and staying in bed to ride out the storm like anyone would do huddled in a shelter waiting for the calm to return, knowing for well that what they are hoping for, and I am waiting for, will come but it isn’t in my control on the timing of that event.
I’m not pleased with my writing today. Normally my writing even in prose keeps a poetic flow to it like a peaceful song, and I’m so out of balance that natural tuning fork that keeps my gift in harmony with the Presence of ALL Things is being drowned out by the remnants of hurricane Zion. I’m glad I have both Psych and Therapist appointments this week. Maybe I’ll be better in a few days and can enjoy my gift again. Today, my gift is just an effort to pick up the pieces and get back to living.
When I first googled the word “blog” this last April I had never even read a blog, much less written one. I never had any interest in it, but a friend had suggested it might be a good idea for me and I knew I had a natural talent for writing ever since college. Back then, I preferred classes with a 10 page final instead of a test because I new I would get an “A” in that class, without much time investment. I have been writing a journal for over 20 years, so in a certain since, I’ve been preparing for this for a very long time, but I didn’t know I would come to enjoy it so much. Continue reading
A common theme to my interior life and thus to much of my creations is Unconditional Love. It is devotion and passion without boundaries. It is something that at birth we are all capable of giving for it appears to be imprinted upon us through the process of creation itself. With the first kiss of breath, that very moment that Life sparks within the essence of a babe the ability to Love is Present, only through experience and degeneration are we brought low to exist with the walls of fear for possible injury and threat to our emotional and physical security. Continue reading
For well over a decade one of my favorite works of Art has been the The Scream by Edvard Munch. Many find it disturbing, bizarre, even creepy, but for me it speaks volumes to my life and mind. I see in it much of what I lived day in and day out for near 20 years of this earthly existence….to me it’s not just a painting, it’s a mirror. Continue reading
I’m surprised i can write, I’m in the middle of episode. I don’t know which is worse the fact that I’m lost in a delusion or I drank so much beer I’m having dt’s today without one (shakes, cold sweats, muscle tension). I’ve had a beer and I’m going to see if maintenance drinking takes care of it, if not then my delusion tells me my landlady is poisoning me with strychnine, lacing my coffee and ice cubes with a weed killer of some sort. I just happen to know that the symptoms for strychnine poisoning are very similar in affect, not that I’m use to being poisoned but strychnine is a common ingredient in LSD and if too much is used then facial muscle constriction and the above symptoms along with vomiting may occur.
If it truly is dt’s which a reasonable person should suspect, then a few beers should make it all go away.
So, last night I went through an all night “flip out” again…when it gets so bad I can’t stop it….I sit lotus style, hold tight to a pillow, rock back and forth, and pray for someone else….lately there is particular girl I pray for, I picture her smile and it calms me down….I was so scared last night. I hate admitting that, but I’ve been through this so many times, and I always go through it alone….sometimes I wish someone was here to talk me through it, but then again, it is hard enough for me to handle….too see the pain in the eyes of someone who cared for me cause they didn’t know what to do might just be too much for me to take.
About 1am my mom was online and I called her and she asked me questions about normal life shit, which helped distract me for awhile. After we hung up, I turned off the computer screen, inched through the darkness to my bed and sat there until the sun came up 5hours later, my mind never stopped and I never moved. There is some comfort in the darkness. When I came to the conclusion that my coffee was laced with poison, I got out of bed and had another cup! If someone has the audacity to murder me, I outta at least give them the opportunity to succeed. Sometimes, I hate being alive. This is how I confront my parnaia…..”you wanna FUCK WITH ME…BRING IT!!’
15 years ago, I was in a delusional state, being beaten baseball bats, tied up, stuffed in a sleeping bag, doused with kerosene and set on fire….I saw the flames leaping off my body, and felt the heat….a voice said “aren’t you gonna get up and run.” I yelled back, “fuck you! Let me cook!” Laid there until there could be no possible way I was still alive and the flames went away. Now I pray, and think of someone that stands before like the promise of Eden, only those who are CHOSEN as worthy may call her home. I live somewhere East of her it seems, I forget the name of the place…was it Wink’n, was it Blink’n, no, it was Nod. Back when I was ABLE to become something more I killed that part of me for whatever reason, maybe no reason at all, and I’m left bearing the mark of a CAINing, the mark of punishment, for the deeds I chose to pursue. Eden is real enough, but only what could have been for me, only what could have been.
My hands are still shaking, my knees are week…I sound like old Elvis song….I’m all shook up!