Community

Community….not an easy thing for someone such as me to build.  Due to my schizophrenia, much of my life experience is spent within the confinds of my own mind.  It didn’t use to be that way, I have done many things, scuba diving, sky diving, kayaking with whales, hiking the volcanoes of hawaii, traveling the coasts of the pacific northwest, and multiple near death experiences that have all shaped my way of looking at life, but as my disease has progressed and I have been caught up in my own isolation the ability to form new bonds among social avenues has become difficult.

Im a very spiritual person as my blog would suggest though have tended to be far to liberal in my approach to be included in any one stream of thought. Although I would consider myself Christian, I might be hard pressed to get an evangelical to accept that statement, but I’m still considered Catholic by the Church’s standard.

I’ve been attending various churches trying to find a sense of some place that I can once again find somewhere to grow some roots so that I don’t feel so displaced among the area I live.  I need some since of community and I just don’t have it, so I’m seeking to identify a little more with those that I have previously avoided because of differences in ideology.  I don’t so much have a problem with their ideology, unless it is so intolerent that it can’t accept anyone else’s, but I have expected that my own would meet with some discomfort and problems so I haven’t built these bridges in a very long time, and now I’m a little out of my depth, because I don’t know how to be myself in a public situation, so I’m always uneasy.

I like this format a lot better, but it only deepens my comfort in isolation  as I build relations with fellow bloggers that I never see or really enter into any type of dialogue that would ultimately foster some sort of real relationship beyond that of casual acquaintance, and I now see this as necessary whereas before I never did.

I still read my various religious works.  I like to know what others believe, but I’m focusing more on Christianity now in my reading as I try to find some commonalities to build upon in the effort to find somewhere to fit in as I struggle alone through this path we all refer to as life.

What are some things that you all have found to help you build a sense of unity with the people you interact with where you live or worship.  I find religion itself doesn’t necessarily build that community, it requires more interaction than just attending the same building for a common purpose once per week.  How does one build relationships when it is difficult to relate to others?  How does one foster new friendships in new situations?  I could really use some feedback on this,thanks.

Finding my need for atonement again

“A broken and contrite heart, O Lord, you will not despise.”  Psalm 51:17

It is difficult sometimes to have a mental deficit that keeps me on guard during schizophrenic episodes, and remember who I am underneath it all.  I get lost in the stories that fill my mind and they often are very anti-spiritual, definitely anti-Christ in persuasion, and my faith is buried in an effort to protect the Heart that is so precious to me, one that developed in a Love that taught me to accept myself as I am, and give all of myself in service to Love for another.  Continue reading

Through the looking glass….

Terror and fascination of the mind that illuminates the invisible and casts a shadow over reality is the toll demanded by the disease that refracts the spectrum of all I understand during my schizophrenic episodes; this last one, a two month journey through the looking-glass. Continue reading

A peace without pictures.

I am accustomed to extreme bouts of mental unrest, and far too many events of staggering confusion in my disease of Paranoid Schizophrenia.  At times, my mind becomes the battlefield of a war that seems to never end and the carnage is the deep wounds of a fractured psyche and phobias that resonate with the call to arms in a futile attempt at control.   Continue reading

Night terrors

I spent a couple of days working with my best friend on a house remodel, in this adventure he is the talent savant, I’m just an extra pair of hands.  We joke and have fun while getting done what needs to be done…great thing about independent contractors is that their hours can be a lot like a writers, with flexible starts and stops, as long as the product gets accomplished in a reasonable timely manner.

Last night, I was having a great evening with his family, then I felt my mind begin to draw away…then the voices, soon I had to vacate and pretend I was asleep as the one of the worst night terrors came upon me and I lay there, my breathing slowly paced to exhibit restlefulness, while inside my mind the battle rages.  The cells of the prison within the isolation of my mind erupts with such a frenzy Continue reading

Happiness

“Human relations based on mutual compassion and love are fundamentally important to human happiness.”

               ~ Dalai Lama

 

The more I grow in understanding of this Truth, the better life becomes for me on my best days.  Being the type that struggles through ebbs and flows both biologically deficient in major neurotransmitters and emotionally pulled taught to extremes inside, relationships have always been difficult for me.

I’ve always had this need to present myself as in control, so no matter how bad my instabilities would get, I would isolate to hide what I didn’t want others to see, and present a facade of everything is cool, or I’m just an asshole don’t pay me any attention.  Please forgive the vulgar vernacular here I thought it appropriate when I used it to describe myself for a couple years at the peak of my disabilities when I needed to keep people at a distance…at least, so I thought.  I managed to keep secret my Schizophrenia and depression secret for almost 20 years, self-medicating to maintain jobs and raise a family as a single dad.  My abilities to do that drained more and more from my strength as each year my symptoms worsened.  I finally came to hate the fact I was even alive….

Then, as Life would have me continue on in a different fashion, I was involved an accident that broke my face in 6 places and put me in the hospital on Oahu for 3 weeks.  During this time I was approved for medical insurance for the first time in years and with that came an opportunity to seek medical help for my disorders, if I just had the courage to ask for it.  I did, and now 9 months later, though I still face some debilitating struggles, and still have a long road of recovery ahead of me, I am rebuilding relationships with family and friends and discovering the happiness those bring as they share my struggles and burdens with me along this road of life.  All those years spent hiding my weakness, and had I just had the strength to be vulnerable I would have found the compassion and Love was around me all along.

Yet, though I have cause for regrets, I will use this remorse to build hope for a future I was blind too before the accident.  A life with purpose; a life with Love; a life using this gift of mine; a life filled with family and friends.

Click-clack…Pow

Coming out the other side of a psychotic slip…I haven’t eaten in a couple of days, stayed in bed for near 27 hours, my mind surfing through programing like the remote is broken and I feel wiped out, clik-clack..pow!  To much information to sift through….my brain feels like it just lived through a 24 hour infomercial selling everything known to man….tilt! tilt!

So what does this mean for me….well, it means I have to spend the next few days figuring out what new programming I have adopted …like right now I am convinced I’m fat and I’m refusing to eat; I don’t know why I have this mental block on eating at the moment but the only thing I will allow is milk vitamins and coffee.  It isn’t logical, if I try to discover why, it won’t make any sense, so I no better than to waste time on questions that are not based in reason.  The facts stand that during the last 24 hours I adopted a new aversion to food, and I have to fix it, or just not eat.  Weird??  Try living this way! It like living through a system crash, and brain just got hacked and left with a virus.  Only I’m stuck with this brain, I can’t just run down to Walmart and pick up another HP model for a couple more years until it tanks.  This is the life I live and that is that!  I believe I find such hope and beauty in simple things for the very reason that I know it can all go away just that quick, and then fighting to have that one moment of peace is fleeting at best, but I’ll get there again, and I’ll go this again…it’s just the way it is.

“True Peace with ourselves and with the world around us can only be achieved through the development of mental peace.”  ~ Dalai Lama  I question this having to live with the reality that mental peace can be stripped away like the aftermath of a Hurricane.  I have little control over this, and I have developed these control methods in isolation and staying in bed to ride out the storm like anyone would do huddled in a shelter waiting for the calm to return, knowing for well that what they are hoping for, and I am waiting for, will come but it isn’t in my control on the timing of that event.

I’m not pleased with my writing today.  Normally my writing even in prose keeps a poetic flow to it like a peaceful song, and I’m so out of balance that natural tuning fork that keeps my gift in harmony with the Presence of ALL Things is being drowned out by the remnants of hurricane Zion.  I’m glad I have both Psych and Therapist appointments this week.  Maybe I’ll be better in a few days and can enjoy my gift again.  Today, my gift is just an effort to pick up the pieces and get back to living.

An Aspect of Compassion

“One aspect of compasion is to respect others’ rights and to respect others’ views.  That is the basis of reconciliation.  The human spirit of reconciliation based on compassion is working deep down, whether the person really knows it or not.  

Our basic human nature is gentleness; therefore, no matter how much we go through violence and other bad things, ultimately the proper solution is to return to human feeling and affection.  So affection or compassion is not only a religious matter, but in our day-to-day life it is quite indispensable.

                     ~Dahli Lama

Respect, much of what I came to believe during my youth had to be unlearned for me to understand the Wisdom I have found to be essential in embracing different religions and cultures.  I was raised on television bravado, such as John Wayne, where respect had to be earned or you didn’t get it.  This is a TERRIBLE foreign relations policy Continue reading

The Joy of Blogging

When I first googled the word “blog” this last April I had never even read a blog, much less written one.  I never had any interest in it, but a friend had suggested it might be a good idea for me and I knew I had a natural talent for writing ever since college.  Back then, I preferred classes with a 10 page final instead of a test because I new I would get an “A” in that class, without much time investment.  I have been writing a  journal for over 20 years, so in a certain since, I’ve been preparing for this for a very long time, but I didn’t know I would come to enjoy it so much. Continue reading

Always & Forever

A common theme to my interior life and thus to much of my creations is Unconditional Love.  It is devotion and passion without boundaries.  It is something that at birth we are all capable of giving for it appears to be imprinted upon us through the process of creation itself.  With the first kiss of breath, that very moment that Life sparks within the essence of a babe the ability to Love is Present, only through experience and degeneration are we brought low to exist with the walls of fear for possible injury and threat to our emotional and physical security. Continue reading

The Birth of Silence

In the darkness I am open with a sight not known to me.  Standing at the edge of nothingness, when all that is fades from shape and future into a formless void, I see the beginning of all things as it was before the birth of creation.  The breath of Me is still present, I can know it yet separated from an empirical perception, in a state of existence where senses are bereft of knowledge and an effortless consciousness is required to become aware of the unattainable…tranquil silence. Continue reading

A.A.

I always said I’d never go to A.A.  I didn’t like their rules, and I’m not comfortable in groups.  I don’t like being dependent on people, yet humility has taught me that is what family and friends are about, and I see my group with A.A.becoming a group of friends that have issues with addiction as well as other problems that relate very well to my own.  It is comforting now to know I have a group I can share things with and they are going to understand because most of them have at some experience with what I go through.  I have therapist for the schizoprhenia, and the issue I’ve tried to burry, but for this attempt at a better life, one without the need to self medicate every single night, I find this group helpful.  And I find I was wrong about the RULES! Continue reading

Scream!!!

For well over a decade one of my favorite works of Art has been the The Scream by Edvard Munch.  Many find it disturbing, bizarre, even creepy, but for me it speaks volumes to my life and mind.  I see in it much of what I lived day in and day out for near 20 years of this earthly existence….to me it’s not just a painting, it’s a mirror. Continue reading

Insomnia

In the middle of the night, when trying to sleep becomes the latest routine to a Zumba workout, it ‘s best just to get out of bed and make use of the time.  I actually enjoy being up in the middle of the night because of the quiet solitude that always shrouds the feel of it.  I leave the tv off, no music, just the vast expanse of silence to roar in at me and in that boistrous echo of nothing I find sollace! Continue reading

The mind of the Schitzo!

I’m surprised i can write, I’m in the middle of episode.  I don’t know which is worse the fact that I’m lost in a delusion or I drank so much beer I’m having dt’s today without one (shakes, cold sweats, muscle tension).  I’ve had a beer and I’m going to see if maintenance drinking takes care of it, if not then my delusion tells me my landlady is poisoning me with strychnine, lacing my coffee and ice cubes with a weed killer of some sort.  I just happen to know that the symptoms for strychnine poisoning are very similar in affect, not that I’m use to being poisoned but strychnine is a common ingredient in LSD and if too much is used then facial muscle constriction and the above symptoms along with vomiting may occur.

If it truly is dt’s which a reasonable person should suspect, then a few beers should make it all go away.

So, last night I went through an all night “flip out” again…when it gets so bad I can’t stop it….I sit lotus style, hold tight to a pillow, rock back and forth, and pray for someone  else….lately there is particular girl I pray for, I picture her smile and it calms me down….I was so scared last night.  I hate admitting that, but I’ve been through this so many times, and I always go through it alone….sometimes I wish someone was here to talk me through it, but then again, it is hard enough for me to handle….too see the pain in the eyes of someone who cared for me cause they didn’t know what to do might just be too much for me to take.

About 1am my mom was online and I called her and she asked me questions about normal life shit, which helped distract me for awhile.  After we hung up, I turned off the computer screen, inched through the darkness to my bed and sat there until the sun came up 5hours later, my mind never stopped and I never moved.  There is some comfort in the darkness.  When I came to the conclusion that my coffee was laced with poison, I got out of bed and had another cup!  If someone has the audacity to murder me, I outta at least give them the opportunity to succeed.  Sometimes, I hate being alive.  This is how I confront my parnaia…..”you wanna FUCK WITH ME…BRING IT!!’

15 years ago, I was in a delusional state, being beaten baseball bats, tied up, stuffed in a sleeping bag, doused with kerosene and set on fire….I saw the flames leaping off my body, and felt the heat….a voice said “aren’t you gonna get up and run.”  I yelled back, “fuck you!  Let me cook!”  Laid there until there could be no possible way I was still alive and the flames went away.  Now I pray, and think of someone that stands before like the promise of Eden, only those who are CHOSEN as worthy may call her home.  I live somewhere East of her it seems, I forget the name of the place…was it Wink’n, was it Blink’n, no, it was Nod.   Back when I was ABLE to become something more I killed that part of me for whatever reason, maybe no reason at all, and I’m left bearing the mark of a CAINing, the mark of punishment, for the deeds I chose to pursue.  Eden is real enough, but only what could have been for me, only what could have been.

My hands are still shaking, my knees are week…I sound like old Elvis song….I’m all shook up!