Learning while living

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all got a practice run at living before we lived the life that counts?  I mean to have an opportunity to live through the mistakes, retain the knowledge and then do it right. Continue reading

Love Eternal

Sometimes my worst nights are followed by my greatest insights into myself and the Truths this Life presents to me.  As I lay in the darkness, unable to sleep, but neither am I plagued with the mental attacks I wrote of yesterday, I am overwhelmed with the Truth that I am centered in Love and that Love is with me through the best of times and the worst of times, even when I lose sight of it. Continue reading

Night terrors

I spent a couple of days working with my best friend on a house remodel, in this adventure he is the talent savant, I’m just an extra pair of hands.  We joke and have fun while getting done what needs to be done…great thing about independent contractors is that their hours can be a lot like a writers, with flexible starts and stops, as long as the product gets accomplished in a reasonable timely manner.

Last night, I was having a great evening with his family, then I felt my mind begin to draw away…then the voices, soon I had to vacate and pretend I was asleep as the one of the worst night terrors came upon me and I lay there, my breathing slowly paced to exhibit restlefulness, while inside my mind the battle rages.  The cells of the prison within the isolation of my mind erupts with such a frenzy Continue reading

Click-clack…Pow

Coming out the other side of a psychotic slip…I haven’t eaten in a couple of days, stayed in bed for near 27 hours, my mind surfing through programing like the remote is broken and I feel wiped out, clik-clack..pow!  To much information to sift through….my brain feels like it just lived through a 24 hour infomercial selling everything known to man….tilt! tilt!

So what does this mean for me….well, it means I have to spend the next few days figuring out what new programming I have adopted …like right now I am convinced I’m fat and I’m refusing to eat; I don’t know why I have this mental block on eating at the moment but the only thing I will allow is milk vitamins and coffee.  It isn’t logical, if I try to discover why, it won’t make any sense, so I no better than to waste time on questions that are not based in reason.  The facts stand that during the last 24 hours I adopted a new aversion to food, and I have to fix it, or just not eat.  Weird??  Try living this way! It like living through a system crash, and brain just got hacked and left with a virus.  Only I’m stuck with this brain, I can’t just run down to Walmart and pick up another HP model for a couple more years until it tanks.  This is the life I live and that is that!  I believe I find such hope and beauty in simple things for the very reason that I know it can all go away just that quick, and then fighting to have that one moment of peace is fleeting at best, but I’ll get there again, and I’ll go this again…it’s just the way it is.

“True Peace with ourselves and with the world around us can only be achieved through the development of mental peace.”  ~ Dalai Lama  I question this having to live with the reality that mental peace can be stripped away like the aftermath of a Hurricane.  I have little control over this, and I have developed these control methods in isolation and staying in bed to ride out the storm like anyone would do huddled in a shelter waiting for the calm to return, knowing for well that what they are hoping for, and I am waiting for, will come but it isn’t in my control on the timing of that event.

I’m not pleased with my writing today.  Normally my writing even in prose keeps a poetic flow to it like a peaceful song, and I’m so out of balance that natural tuning fork that keeps my gift in harmony with the Presence of ALL Things is being drowned out by the remnants of hurricane Zion.  I’m glad I have both Psych and Therapist appointments this week.  Maybe I’ll be better in a few days and can enjoy my gift again.  Today, my gift is just an effort to pick up the pieces and get back to living.

An Aspect of Compassion

“One aspect of compasion is to respect others’ rights and to respect others’ views.  That is the basis of reconciliation.  The human spirit of reconciliation based on compassion is working deep down, whether the person really knows it or not.  

Our basic human nature is gentleness; therefore, no matter how much we go through violence and other bad things, ultimately the proper solution is to return to human feeling and affection.  So affection or compassion is not only a religious matter, but in our day-to-day life it is quite indispensable.

                     ~Dahli Lama

Respect, much of what I came to believe during my youth had to be unlearned for me to understand the Wisdom I have found to be essential in embracing different religions and cultures.  I was raised on television bravado, such as John Wayne, where respect had to be earned or you didn’t get it.  This is a TERRIBLE foreign relations policy Continue reading

Presence

Lo do I know the pain of memories that haunt the night.  The mares both day and night come to steal what peace I pretend to have as I relive the agony of that which was stolen, taken by force as the brutish and evil wreak havoc upon the weak and the innocent. Continue reading

Insomnia

In the middle of the night, when trying to sleep becomes the latest routine to a Zumba workout, it ‘s best just to get out of bed and make use of the time.  I actually enjoy being up in the middle of the night because of the quiet solitude that always shrouds the feel of it.  I leave the tv off, no music, just the vast expanse of silence to roar in at me and in that boistrous echo of nothing I find sollace! Continue reading