Home is my place of safety, security, where I dwell most and my source of meaning and purpose for all I am or endeavor to pursue. Here in this limited existence as a member of humanity I have had for most of my life a since that I wasn’t at home, that I was “a stranger in a strange land” and that home awaited my return at some distant unknown departure from this mortality. I have known I’m loved, as I am, completely and unconditionally for a long time now, only it was like I appreciated the intention and the sincerity of the gesture but since I had no obligation to keep I let it be just that, and went on with life as I understood it to be. It wasn’t until I sought to actively become the love I received for another that I truly began to change from what was a meaningless existence without purpose, or at least my “given” purpose for living….just the continued insistence of often well meaning others who tried to tell me what should be my meaning and purpose as they see it.
I slipped into grave depression as I gave up on life ever having any meaning at all because I couldn’t produce the passion I required to adopt what others insisted should be my motivation, care, and responsibilities. Without passion and attachment to something other than myself, as having more importance than myself I was listless and disgusted with having to exist at all. I became detached from everything as a result of my passionless existence. What many seek through meditation and years of focus to achieve I did as an act of defiance to a world insisting I be something I’m not, which produced nothing but isolation and hopelessness, though without the chronic worries that most people carry. Some detachment is necessary for a carefree existence in a world of uncertainty and calamity…but it needs to be balanced with compassion and love, genuine love to be anything other than a self imposed exile from all human relation.
In learning to love unconditionally another soul, another person more than anything else in existence I finally came to understand the true meaning of the Christian cross, and what it means to daily pick up that cross and follow. I knew what I needed was to be like Jesus, not necessarily worship Jesus. I modeled my devotion for my beloved after his gospel example and found that to love this much means to love even in the face of rejection, revolution, hatred, and to the extent of the worst sins possible to imagine, it all has to be endured or the love is not true, just a conditional affection that can be lost if the standard isn’t met to satisfaction. In learning to love in this fashion, everything is sacrificed in the effort. Pride, ego, hopes, dreams, family, friends, faith, religious beliefs, and the expectation of ever being loved in return are all nailed to that cross if the love is true. That is what it means to love someone as Christ loves his Church, and that is how I came to know Love…through the daily dying of all that I was until Love saw in me the endurance required to entrust the soul of another into my care.
In the remnants of this once sane and proud young man is now the heart of Love that will never perish and is awake and aware of my presence at home in the security and affection of the one who loves me so much as to give me the time required to bring me around and turn into the very one Love always knew I would be.
In my current awareness I now know me to be both Lover and Beloved both are possible through the essence of the Love that has always been here and waiting for just this opportunity to bring this into fruition. I feel alive! And though I sit here, the scarred and wounded man left from this experience, I know Life as if for the first time, and I think of my absent beloved and know, she is worth the price and worth the wait, even to the end of time itself.
My journey has led me to death and life again, and I believe it has only just begun. 🙂
Carpenters – We’ve Only Just Begun