Jewels in my Crown

honours471eAs with everything in my life, I alter the plans to work best for me in accomplishing the goals to be achieved from the pattern most of the rest of the world follows.  My idiosyncrasies prohibit me from achieving the desired outcome if I try to do things the way others do them; I spent a lot of years learning this about myself…if I do it another’s way, I always fail, without exception…I know how to adapt things for me, and when came to raising three children, I did the same thing.  I made decisions that would achieve the goals I set for them.  When I looked into the lives others who either were raising children, or had raised children I saw two common denominators…those successes and/or the failures in the lives of the children could always be traced back to the decisions of the parents, and those successes parents always take credit for, and the failures they always blame the children.

My children were unfortunate enough to wind up in a dysfunctional family, with parents who continually made bad choices and thought life was one big fucking party.  If I made choices concerning them the way I made choices for myself, they would have grown up making the same type of choices that I made, and from the beginning I didn’t want that for them, and so I sought the tools they would need to have so that I could make sure that by the time they were stepping into adulthood they would be prepared to face those decisions in a way I never considered before;  and not be jaded and scarred with a lifetime of learning life’s lessons the hard way. Continue reading

What I’m looking for…

There is reason why I have never married again!  It’s been, well, a long time…my wife left in 1999 (which devastated me)…left me to raise three children on my own, and they turned out fantastic!  I have had girlfriends.  I have made a lot of friends of the opposite sex, but I have kept myself from stepping back into

Sometimes what I see in a girl can't be captured in a photo...

Sometimes what I see in a girl can’t be captured in a photo…

another marriage because I won’t make the same mistakes again.  I’m looking for a foundation on which to build, and for someone who inspires me to become more than who I am…many women intrigue me, even more excite me…it’s the rare find that actually is strong enough to be what I need, and still weak enough to need me. Continue reading

Dr. Zion :-) (deciding???)

Sometimes what I see in a girl can't be captured in a photo...

Sometimes what I see in a girl can’t be captured in a photo…

In 1999, I was on the phone with  Princeton University; I was seriously considering pursing my religious studies in Theology through them, and I had the grades to get in…that year saw the end of a marriage, me with three children under 8 on my own, and some serious depression!  I have the degree…I’ve written the thesis…I’m no where near who I was then.   Continue reading

Choices! ugh…

stock-photo-vector-illustrations-of-busy-concepts-running-out-of-time-106546625Too much, to put everything into perspective!  A lot of changes going on in my life, nothing new for me that is true, but I usually try to find something stable and then let everything else gravitate around that.  In so doing, I keep a place of calm for me to focus on while the rest is all, well… FUCKED! Right now, everything is in motion, nothing is settling down…I’m making choices based on the long term, and the universe is keeping me in chaos in the moment!! Continue reading

Honor

titles_of_honor_1614I have earned honor, received honor, and it must be said that I have also acted dishonorably in my lifetime.  I’m stepping into something that it would benefit me to acknowledge honors I would never have considered before, because I believe a name should announce who you are more than a title.  My name is Zion, and for those who know me, I hope it means…that’s a friend you can depend on, that’s a man who is willing to go the extra mile and more, and that is a man that won’t ever believe a person can’t reach their potential, and I’ll believe in you.  I know it means:  I’ve walked roads nobody else has walked!  I’ve made mistakes; I’ve made bad choices, but I’ve made GOOD choices that overshadow all the others! Continue reading

A Season of Celibacy

A little over a year ago, I made a vow to be celibate, and I have been faithful to that decision.  I’m not convicted in a religious aspect; I honestly don’t believe sex is a sin, in any form between willing partners, for my readers who lean to conservative sides of their particular brand of worship, I respect your views, but I don’t share them.  I’ve decided to continue the practice again through 2014. Continue reading

The Sage still lives, but jaded…

To dye and live is to rise the rose within.It has been a long journey of spiritual seeking, truth hunting, fact missing, book buying, beer drinking, enigma entangled, proselytized confirmation to bring me to the land that is nowhere even remotely close to the evangelical convert of my youth, (silent thanksgiving) and in all fairness, I have found my spiritual answers for deities, demigods, and folklore galore!  I have my direction, my reason to live, and building purpose is slow going but not without hope of success, and still…I’m ready to step it up a level beyond what I can find to satisfy….because the Truth and answers I found were to questions I NEVER WANTED TO ASK!  And now I have all this knowledge of things left simpler had I just turned the page, sang the psalm, and put the quarter in the plate as it passed by, never the wiser, just another regular guy for my Sunday morning meet & greet with the other favorites destined to watch in glee as we see those poor people suffer for their stupidity in following false Gods and believing their traditions after only several thousand years of no other options and now look at ’em; tricked out and burning up the coal house, for Hell’s kitchen to teach them sinner’s the right way, or punish them for the wrong way, or fuck….hell, it’s probably incorporated and heaven and hell are subsidiaries of a larger conglomerate that has the thing fronted up and loaded to lose either way…but who am I to preach….wwjd??  Maybe we should stop seeking a way out of trouble and just say can you just help us make this fucking work right and live a little longer, because sometimes “this shit just sucks!”  [I apologize for the language…I will show some restraint now.]

Continue reading

New blog with Opera

Have a Great and Peaceful day!!Hey, everyone!  It’s a great day, I hope you all are getting outside a little to enjoy the sunshine.

I have just started another new blog through Opera, the browser I’m using in the development and administration of the network I’m attempting to build and this blog is to record my journey through that process.  Beyond that, I hope for it to become the company blog for the IamZion website once I finally get everything up and running and bring this whole thing into one package to offer to the internet web community and beyond.  🙂  I like to dream big, or I just don’ dream at all!!

Here is the address:  http://my.opera.com/imasaint/blog/

Stop by for a visit and leave a comment.  Thanks.

Zion

A new beginning…

The only way to see the ending is to stand at the beginning.

The only way to see the ending is to stand at the beginning.

For the last two days I’ve been diligently pushing myself to learn about social networks, the intricacies of website management, and the frustrations of being completely foreign to the code and necessary knowledge to not find myself spending hours to try to perform a task, only to suffer repeated failure for the effort.  I found a way to satisfy my design desires for my by blog, while the added features that I will eventually add are on my to do list; continual education into a vital market for me as a writer.

As an introvert I find this adventure I’m on a contradiction. I easily find myself in temporary seclusion, pouring over books, contemplating matters of the mind and the spiritual life that has enticed me much as writing does.  Over the last year I’ve allowed myself to share a great deal through my endeavors at maintaining a public blog for the first time.  It is a natural fit to be alone and typing and then at the same time effectively reaching over a 1000 people with the silent voice of my words; the internet has broadened my circle of fellowship and it appears will be growing exponentially as the year progresses and I build this network of fellow bloggers, writers, seekers tweeters, teachers, and more. Continue reading

It seems my muse requires office hours

typingFinding that pattern that I could step into as I endeavor to write as a career instead of just a hobby has been frustrating in the details.  (Although, I’m told until I start earning a stipend that is livable so I know longer have to continue in construction as needed to pay bills it’s still a hobby.)  I have tried pen and paper, keyboard, different rooms, but I get so easily distracted at home which always leads to no inspiration as I seek to either capture my thoughts on the mystical search for Truth or toil in nothingness as I contemplate my first novel and the story that has been churning in my mind for a decade without an outlet for it to live. Continue reading

Through the looking glass….

Terror and fascination of the mind that illuminates the invisible and casts a shadow over reality is the toll demanded by the disease that refracts the spectrum of all I understand during my schizophrenic episodes; this last one, a two month journey through the looking-glass. Continue reading

Finding my way home…

Home is my place of safety, security, where I dwell most and my source of meaning and purpose for all I am or endeavor to pursue.  Here in this limited existence as a member of humanity I have had for most of my life a since that I wasn’t at home, that I was “a stranger in a strange land” and that home awaited my return at some distant unknown departure from this mortality.  I have known I’m loved, as I am, completely and unconditionally for a long time now, only it was like I appreciated the intention and the sincerity of the gesture but since I had no obligation to keep I let it be just that, and went on with life as I understood it to be.  It wasn’t until I sought to actively become the love I received for another that I truly began to change from what was a meaningless existence without purpose, or at least my “given” purpose for living….just the continued insistence of often well meaning others who tried to tell me what should be my meaning and purpose as they see it.

I slipped into grave depression as I gave up on life ever having any meaning at all because I couldn’t produce the passion I required to adopt what others insisted should be my motivation, care, and responsibilities.  Without passion and attachment to something other than myself, as having more importance than myself I was listless and disgusted with having to exist at all.  I became detached from everything as a result of my passionless existence.  What many seek through meditation and years of focus to achieve I did as an act of defiance to a world insisting I be something I’m not, which produced nothing but isolation and hopelessness, though without the chronic worries that most people carry.  Some detachment is necessary for a carefree existence in a world of uncertainty and calamity…but it needs to be balanced with compassion and love, genuine love to be anything other than a self imposed exile from all human relation.

In learning to love unconditionally another soul, another person more than anything else in existence I finally came to understand the true meaning of the Christian cross, and what it means to daily pick up that cross and follow.  I knew what I needed was to be like Jesus, not necessarily worship Jesus.  I modeled my devotion for my beloved after his gospel example and found that to love this much means to love even in the face of rejection, revolution, hatred, and to the extent of the worst sins possible to imagine, it all has to be endured or the love is not true, just a conditional affection that can be lost if the standard isn’t met to satisfaction.  In learning to love in this fashion, everything is sacrificed in the effort.  Pride, ego, hopes, dreams, family, friends, faith, religious beliefs, and the expectation of ever being loved in return are all nailed to that cross if the love is true.  That is what it means to love someone as Christ loves his Church, and that is how I came to know Love…through the daily dying of all that I was until Love saw in me the endurance required to entrust the soul of another into my care.

In the remnants of this once sane and proud young man is now the heart of Love that will never perish and is awake and aware of my presence at home in the security and affection of the one who loves me so much as to give me the time required to bring me around and turn into the very one Love always knew I would be.

In my current awareness I now know me to be both Lover and Beloved both are possible through the essence of the Love that has always been here and waiting for just this opportunity to bring this into fruition.  I feel alive!  And though I sit here, the scarred and wounded man left from this experience, I know Life as if for the first time, and I think of my absent beloved and know, she is worth the price and worth the wait, even to the end of time itself.

My journey has led me to death and life again, and I believe it has only just begun.  🙂

 

Carpenters – We’ve Only Just Begun

 

 

A peace without pictures.

I am accustomed to extreme bouts of mental unrest, and far too many events of staggering confusion in my disease of Paranoid Schizophrenia.  At times, my mind becomes the battlefield of a war that seems to never end and the carnage is the deep wounds of a fractured psyche and phobias that resonate with the call to arms in a futile attempt at control.   Continue reading

Twilight’s fire!

This morning I sat on the patio and watched the Dawn break up the canopy of night and replace the twinkle of the heavens with brilliant blues and rays of yellow and orange.  I watch this time after time, morning after morning and I never tire of it. Continue reading