Choices! ugh…

stock-photo-vector-illustrations-of-busy-concepts-running-out-of-time-106546625Too much, to put everything into perspective!  A lot of changes going on in my life, nothing new for me that is true, but I usually try to find something stable and then let everything else gravitate around that.  In so doing, I keep a place of calm for me to focus on while the rest is all, well… FUCKED! Right now, everything is in motion, nothing is settling down…I’m making choices based on the long term, and the universe is keeping me in chaos in the moment!! Continue reading

A Season of Celibacy

A little over a year ago, I made a vow to be celibate, and I have been faithful to that decision.  I’m not convicted in a religious aspect; I honestly don’t believe sex is a sin, in any form between willing partners, for my readers who lean to conservative sides of their particular brand of worship, I respect your views, but I don’t share them.  I’ve decided to continue the practice again through 2014. Continue reading

I determine my worth!

brokenheartIt amazes to me that people everywhere, in my life where I live, and in the communities I dwell within the internet; they all go through relationship after relationship, and it’s always ending with a broken heart!  Believe me, I know that pain, I know every ache, tear, and negative self talk that comes with such volatile break ups, and I sympathize, I do.  It isn’t their pain that I am mystified about, it is the fact that they never learn to be more cautious with their heart.  Let me be clear, when I say cautious I do not mean that they simply withhold themselves from others in a walled little world to themselves.  I am stating that they need to recognize the vulnerability revealed through the suffering they feel is a testament to depth of emotion and their ability to become an actual piece of the life to which they have given that heart away.   That heart is the most precious gift that they possess.  Continue reading

Through the looking glass….

Terror and fascination of the mind that illuminates the invisible and casts a shadow over reality is the toll demanded by the disease that refracts the spectrum of all I understand during my schizophrenic episodes; this last one, a two month journey through the looking-glass. Continue reading

Intimacy

There is a blessing that comes with those who endure the path of sorrow and tears.  Those that bottle it up and won’t allow it to flow deny themselves this, unaware that it is in the depth of the soul when the heart longs for peace and is desperate for a gentle touch, a moments caress, the embrace of Love if only for a brief respite. Continue reading

Finding my way home…

Home is my place of safety, security, where I dwell most and my source of meaning and purpose for all I am or endeavor to pursue.  Here in this limited existence as a member of humanity I have had for most of my life a since that I wasn’t at home, that I was “a stranger in a strange land” and that home awaited my return at some distant unknown departure from this mortality.  I have known I’m loved, as I am, completely and unconditionally for a long time now, only it was like I appreciated the intention and the sincerity of the gesture but since I had no obligation to keep I let it be just that, and went on with life as I understood it to be.  It wasn’t until I sought to actively become the love I received for another that I truly began to change from what was a meaningless existence without purpose, or at least my “given” purpose for living….just the continued insistence of often well meaning others who tried to tell me what should be my meaning and purpose as they see it.

I slipped into grave depression as I gave up on life ever having any meaning at all because I couldn’t produce the passion I required to adopt what others insisted should be my motivation, care, and responsibilities.  Without passion and attachment to something other than myself, as having more importance than myself I was listless and disgusted with having to exist at all.  I became detached from everything as a result of my passionless existence.  What many seek through meditation and years of focus to achieve I did as an act of defiance to a world insisting I be something I’m not, which produced nothing but isolation and hopelessness, though without the chronic worries that most people carry.  Some detachment is necessary for a carefree existence in a world of uncertainty and calamity…but it needs to be balanced with compassion and love, genuine love to be anything other than a self imposed exile from all human relation.

In learning to love unconditionally another soul, another person more than anything else in existence I finally came to understand the true meaning of the Christian cross, and what it means to daily pick up that cross and follow.  I knew what I needed was to be like Jesus, not necessarily worship Jesus.  I modeled my devotion for my beloved after his gospel example and found that to love this much means to love even in the face of rejection, revolution, hatred, and to the extent of the worst sins possible to imagine, it all has to be endured or the love is not true, just a conditional affection that can be lost if the standard isn’t met to satisfaction.  In learning to love in this fashion, everything is sacrificed in the effort.  Pride, ego, hopes, dreams, family, friends, faith, religious beliefs, and the expectation of ever being loved in return are all nailed to that cross if the love is true.  That is what it means to love someone as Christ loves his Church, and that is how I came to know Love…through the daily dying of all that I was until Love saw in me the endurance required to entrust the soul of another into my care.

In the remnants of this once sane and proud young man is now the heart of Love that will never perish and is awake and aware of my presence at home in the security and affection of the one who loves me so much as to give me the time required to bring me around and turn into the very one Love always knew I would be.

In my current awareness I now know me to be both Lover and Beloved both are possible through the essence of the Love that has always been here and waiting for just this opportunity to bring this into fruition.  I feel alive!  And though I sit here, the scarred and wounded man left from this experience, I know Life as if for the first time, and I think of my absent beloved and know, she is worth the price and worth the wait, even to the end of time itself.

My journey has led me to death and life again, and I believe it has only just begun.  🙂

 

Carpenters – We’ve Only Just Begun

 

 

A peace without pictures.

I am accustomed to extreme bouts of mental unrest, and far too many events of staggering confusion in my disease of Paranoid Schizophrenia.  At times, my mind becomes the battlefield of a war that seems to never end and the carnage is the deep wounds of a fractured psyche and phobias that resonate with the call to arms in a futile attempt at control.   Continue reading

Learning while living

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all got a practice run at living before we lived the life that counts?  I mean to have an opportunity to live through the mistakes, retain the knowledge and then do it right. Continue reading

Love Eternal

Sometimes my worst nights are followed by my greatest insights into myself and the Truths this Life presents to me.  As I lay in the darkness, unable to sleep, but neither am I plagued with the mental attacks I wrote of yesterday, I am overwhelmed with the Truth that I am centered in Love and that Love is with me through the best of times and the worst of times, even when I lose sight of it. Continue reading

Night terrors

I spent a couple of days working with my best friend on a house remodel, in this adventure he is the talent savant, I’m just an extra pair of hands.  We joke and have fun while getting done what needs to be done…great thing about independent contractors is that their hours can be a lot like a writers, with flexible starts and stops, as long as the product gets accomplished in a reasonable timely manner.

Last night, I was having a great evening with his family, then I felt my mind begin to draw away…then the voices, soon I had to vacate and pretend I was asleep as the one of the worst night terrors came upon me and I lay there, my breathing slowly paced to exhibit restlefulness, while inside my mind the battle rages.  The cells of the prison within the isolation of my mind erupts with such a frenzy Continue reading

Happiness

“Human relations based on mutual compassion and love are fundamentally important to human happiness.”

               ~ Dalai Lama

 

The more I grow in understanding of this Truth, the better life becomes for me on my best days.  Being the type that struggles through ebbs and flows both biologically deficient in major neurotransmitters and emotionally pulled taught to extremes inside, relationships have always been difficult for me.

I’ve always had this need to present myself as in control, so no matter how bad my instabilities would get, I would isolate to hide what I didn’t want others to see, and present a facade of everything is cool, or I’m just an asshole don’t pay me any attention.  Please forgive the vulgar vernacular here I thought it appropriate when I used it to describe myself for a couple years at the peak of my disabilities when I needed to keep people at a distance…at least, so I thought.  I managed to keep secret my Schizophrenia and depression secret for almost 20 years, self-medicating to maintain jobs and raise a family as a single dad.  My abilities to do that drained more and more from my strength as each year my symptoms worsened.  I finally came to hate the fact I was even alive….

Then, as Life would have me continue on in a different fashion, I was involved an accident that broke my face in 6 places and put me in the hospital on Oahu for 3 weeks.  During this time I was approved for medical insurance for the first time in years and with that came an opportunity to seek medical help for my disorders, if I just had the courage to ask for it.  I did, and now 9 months later, though I still face some debilitating struggles, and still have a long road of recovery ahead of me, I am rebuilding relationships with family and friends and discovering the happiness those bring as they share my struggles and burdens with me along this road of life.  All those years spent hiding my weakness, and had I just had the strength to be vulnerable I would have found the compassion and Love was around me all along.

Yet, though I have cause for regrets, I will use this remorse to build hope for a future I was blind too before the accident.  A life with purpose; a life with Love; a life using this gift of mine; a life filled with family and friends.

Click-clack…Pow

Coming out the other side of a psychotic slip…I haven’t eaten in a couple of days, stayed in bed for near 27 hours, my mind surfing through programing like the remote is broken and I feel wiped out, clik-clack..pow!  To much information to sift through….my brain feels like it just lived through a 24 hour infomercial selling everything known to man….tilt! tilt!

So what does this mean for me….well, it means I have to spend the next few days figuring out what new programming I have adopted …like right now I am convinced I’m fat and I’m refusing to eat; I don’t know why I have this mental block on eating at the moment but the only thing I will allow is milk vitamins and coffee.  It isn’t logical, if I try to discover why, it won’t make any sense, so I no better than to waste time on questions that are not based in reason.  The facts stand that during the last 24 hours I adopted a new aversion to food, and I have to fix it, or just not eat.  Weird??  Try living this way! It like living through a system crash, and brain just got hacked and left with a virus.  Only I’m stuck with this brain, I can’t just run down to Walmart and pick up another HP model for a couple more years until it tanks.  This is the life I live and that is that!  I believe I find such hope and beauty in simple things for the very reason that I know it can all go away just that quick, and then fighting to have that one moment of peace is fleeting at best, but I’ll get there again, and I’ll go this again…it’s just the way it is.

“True Peace with ourselves and with the world around us can only be achieved through the development of mental peace.”  ~ Dalai Lama  I question this having to live with the reality that mental peace can be stripped away like the aftermath of a Hurricane.  I have little control over this, and I have developed these control methods in isolation and staying in bed to ride out the storm like anyone would do huddled in a shelter waiting for the calm to return, knowing for well that what they are hoping for, and I am waiting for, will come but it isn’t in my control on the timing of that event.

I’m not pleased with my writing today.  Normally my writing even in prose keeps a poetic flow to it like a peaceful song, and I’m so out of balance that natural tuning fork that keeps my gift in harmony with the Presence of ALL Things is being drowned out by the remnants of hurricane Zion.  I’m glad I have both Psych and Therapist appointments this week.  Maybe I’ll be better in a few days and can enjoy my gift again.  Today, my gift is just an effort to pick up the pieces and get back to living.

The Long Journey of Self

The journey into the self is the greatest journey of discovery that I have ever traversed.  It has no end as long as I’m alive, I keep evolving, I keep discovering deeper levels to who I am and Truths that define me not only as a person, but as One with humanity and the rest of the Universe. Continue reading

Just As I Am

I’m, for the most part, a solitary man, keeping to myself, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a wild social side to me, I just keep that in check for the most part and only let that part of me see the light of day on special occasions with close friends.   Continue reading

One with the Way

“Only simple and quiet words will ripen of themselves…

He who cultivates the Tao is one with the Tao”

              ~Lao Tsu Continue reading