Learning while living

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all got a practice run at living before we lived the life that counts?  I mean to have an opportunity to live through the mistakes, retain the knowledge and then do it right. Continue reading

Night terrors

I spent a couple of days working with my best friend on a house remodel, in this adventure he is the talent savant, I’m just an extra pair of hands.  We joke and have fun while getting done what needs to be done…great thing about independent contractors is that their hours can be a lot like a writers, with flexible starts and stops, as long as the product gets accomplished in a reasonable timely manner.

Last night, I was having a great evening with his family, then I felt my mind begin to draw away…then the voices, soon I had to vacate and pretend I was asleep as the one of the worst night terrors came upon me and I lay there, my breathing slowly paced to exhibit restlefulness, while inside my mind the battle rages.  The cells of the prison within the isolation of my mind erupts with such a frenzy Continue reading

Happiness

“Human relations based on mutual compassion and love are fundamentally important to human happiness.”

               ~ Dalai Lama

 

The more I grow in understanding of this Truth, the better life becomes for me on my best days.  Being the type that struggles through ebbs and flows both biologically deficient in major neurotransmitters and emotionally pulled taught to extremes inside, relationships have always been difficult for me.

I’ve always had this need to present myself as in control, so no matter how bad my instabilities would get, I would isolate to hide what I didn’t want others to see, and present a facade of everything is cool, or I’m just an asshole don’t pay me any attention.  Please forgive the vulgar vernacular here I thought it appropriate when I used it to describe myself for a couple years at the peak of my disabilities when I needed to keep people at a distance…at least, so I thought.  I managed to keep secret my Schizophrenia and depression secret for almost 20 years, self-medicating to maintain jobs and raise a family as a single dad.  My abilities to do that drained more and more from my strength as each year my symptoms worsened.  I finally came to hate the fact I was even alive….

Then, as Life would have me continue on in a different fashion, I was involved an accident that broke my face in 6 places and put me in the hospital on Oahu for 3 weeks.  During this time I was approved for medical insurance for the first time in years and with that came an opportunity to seek medical help for my disorders, if I just had the courage to ask for it.  I did, and now 9 months later, though I still face some debilitating struggles, and still have a long road of recovery ahead of me, I am rebuilding relationships with family and friends and discovering the happiness those bring as they share my struggles and burdens with me along this road of life.  All those years spent hiding my weakness, and had I just had the strength to be vulnerable I would have found the compassion and Love was around me all along.

Yet, though I have cause for regrets, I will use this remorse to build hope for a future I was blind too before the accident.  A life with purpose; a life with Love; a life using this gift of mine; a life filled with family and friends.

The Long Journey of Self

The journey into the self is the greatest journey of discovery that I have ever traversed.  It has no end as long as I’m alive, I keep evolving, I keep discovering deeper levels to who I am and Truths that define me not only as a person, but as One with humanity and the rest of the Universe. Continue reading

Just As I Am

I’m, for the most part, a solitary man, keeping to myself, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a wild social side to me, I just keep that in check for the most part and only let that part of me see the light of day on special occasions with close friends.   Continue reading

One with the Way

“Only simple and quiet words will ripen of themselves…

He who cultivates the Tao is one with the Tao”

              ~Lao Tsu Continue reading

An Aspect of Compassion

“One aspect of compasion is to respect others’ rights and to respect others’ views.  That is the basis of reconciliation.  The human spirit of reconciliation based on compassion is working deep down, whether the person really knows it or not.  

Our basic human nature is gentleness; therefore, no matter how much we go through violence and other bad things, ultimately the proper solution is to return to human feeling and affection.  So affection or compassion is not only a religious matter, but in our day-to-day life it is quite indispensable.

                     ~Dahli Lama

Respect, much of what I came to believe during my youth had to be unlearned for me to understand the Wisdom I have found to be essential in embracing different religions and cultures.  I was raised on television bravado, such as John Wayne, where respect had to be earned or you didn’t get it.  This is a TERRIBLE foreign relations policy Continue reading

Gospel of Thomas (v.7)

“Blessed is the lion that the man shall eat,

so that the lion will become human.

Cursed is the man whom the lion shall eat,

and the lion will become human.”  (v.7)

When I read this verse, and meditate upon it, I keep revolving around the term “Lion of Judah”, a reference for Jesus in the Christian tradition.  I believe in prophecy, and I believe that because we all are indwelt by the Presence of the Creator then we all have access to knowledge beyond the 5 senses, learning to understand that knowledge and how to use the vision of that knowledge is not something I believe is widely known, nor even accepted.

I believe this verse was spoken in a prophetic since by Jesus in regards to what would become instituted as the Eucharist, or Communion as it is also referred too.  “I am the Bread of Life.” (John 6:48) Continue reading

Always & Forever

A common theme to my interior life and thus to much of my creations is Unconditional Love.  It is devotion and passion without boundaries.  It is something that at birth we are all capable of giving for it appears to be imprinted upon us through the process of creation itself.  With the first kiss of breath, that very moment that Life sparks within the essence of a babe the ability to Love is Present, only through experience and degeneration are we brought low to exist with the walls of fear for possible injury and threat to our emotional and physical security. Continue reading

Presence

Lo do I know the pain of memories that haunt the night.  The mares both day and night come to steal what peace I pretend to have as I relive the agony of that which was stolen, taken by force as the brutish and evil wreak havoc upon the weak and the innocent. Continue reading

Embracing Calamity

“Only he who is willing to give his body for the sake of the world

is fit to be entrusted with the world.  

Only he who can do it with love

is worthy of being the steward of the world.”

                    ~Lao Tsu

Embracing calamity as a sacrament of Life is part of the Way and a Truth that we all must face though few choose to accept.  We don’t search for adversity, nor deliberately put ourselves in the path of hardship, but we should never give over to the woe of the moment either.

It is a difficult task to remain calm in times of crisis, even more so to be thankful for the opportunity to experience the tribulation.  I am learning this lesson even as I type this. Continue reading

Thankfulness!!

I don’t know how many people keep journals or diaries, but I’ve been writing in one for over 20 years.  The journals have taken different forms because I’ve gone through different stages in life and so my purposes in keeping them have changed over time.  Today, I keep 3 journals… Continue reading

Guilt or Remorse??

Guilt, as experienced in Western culture, is connected with hopelessness and discouragement and is past-oriented.  Genuine remorse, however, is a healthy state of mind–it is future oriented, connected with hope and causes us to act, to change.

                                ~Dalai Lama

I no longer allow guilt to haunt my present as it did when I was younger.  I used to be riddled with it, and I can tell you with the utmost sincerity, not once did guilt ever change my behavior.  I continued to do the vary things I felt guilty about and just lowered my self-worth and heaped on the shame of my existence, which only served to increase my self-destructive behaviors which led to more guilt…oh, it was a damn sick sight of a carousel ride! Continue reading

Am I truly ready for change?

This is such a great question to ask when faced with life decisions.  We are always asking ourselves: do I want this? do I need this?  is this really what I want to do with my life?  But one of the best questions I find for almost any area, whether it is interior or exterior issues, is:  am i ready for change?   Continue reading

The Interior Life

“One of the most important–and most neglected–elements in the beginnings of the interior life is the ability to respond to reality, to see the value and the beauty in ordinary things, to come alive to the splendor that is all around us in the creatures of God.” (No Man is an Island, by Thomas Merton, p.33)

The interior life is that which makes us and defines us, thus a lack of an interior life defines us as a person living for exterior things:  wealth, power, fame, sex, drugs, alcohol, entertainment, sports, and the list goes on.  These things are NOT inherently bad, yet the life that is centered on the accumulation of these things and/or experiences remain shallow and often miss the value of Truth, and importance of the people, places, and things too, that are in their lives everyday. Continue reading