At what point do we speculate about our beliefs and continue because this is what we have always done or in the obvious awareness of our information do we acknowledge that we can’t co-exist pretending one thing while aware and pursuing something that is totally contrast to that former way of existence. This could be hypothetical for any number of circumstances, when does a spouse stop pretending that the mate isn’t having extramarital affairs? When do we acknowledge what we believe spiritually is no longer consistent with the church we have attended or in line with the traditions of our family or culture and what point do we initiate change, and accept the consequences of it because the duality of living one set of values for appearances, and another as a result of personal quest and experience? When does a person quit pretending they are something they are not for acceptance, for tradition, for fear of reprisals, for any reason accept to be who they are and bring their in-congruent selves into unity so they can live ONE LIFE as who we are and who we are meant to be?
It seems to me there is a reason that such fantasy and alternate reality games on the internet are becoming such an escape for so many people; we live in such an appearance based society that everyone gets caught up in some way or another of having many selves: the social self, the private self, the family self, the extended family self, the religious self, the work self, etc… These different roles that we assign different personality traits too as a means of interacting with our surrounding and as a way of coping with the circumstances we find ourselves having to discuss and adapt. It often becomes a reality that the things we learn and apply in one group, we never allow to enter and have its effect on the other selves so that if by chance the development of my private spiritual life became an avenue of great support to me in terms of practical Wisdom and understanding Truth, to no apply the Wisdom to work or the Truth too my religious and social selves, I may develop resentment for the people in those areas of my life as I decide I am not free to become the person that I have seen in my dreams or the person that I long to be outside my prayer closet. As I feel my discovery of a new Way ahead of me, it becomes a dilemma to acknowledge the consequences of choosing that path may mean that I lose these selves that have been a continual part of my existence for as long as I’ve known, but they are the reason I’m still here and not already years down the path I long to journey, and that is the heart of this question: when do we let go of who we use to be (and all those selves tied to it) and step into the life we have been destined to begin since first we found our true self, and have been hesitant to move forward ever since?
This question at least for me, has been put on hold many times because I needed to know with certainty the answer to a question that has been answered but never verified, and it has kept me living two lives because I can’t ever find an avenue that would allow for one or the other to be the only possible conclusion. I don’t trust without experiencing what I’m trusting as a firm foundation when relying upon it, and that means I always test what I intend to trust and if it fails then I won’t rely on it to be consistent in the future, and with people I do this all the time so that they may change their fate and become trusted even after years of untrustworthy behavior, not with big plans but with little steps of faith building, giving people opportunities to be or not to be a “friend” as I would tie friendship to trust emphatically. This evidence of “trust” and whether I can trust it is something that must be when making plans to meet life in a new fashion, when the pursuit of truth has opened a door that allows change, but as with Truth itself, once I know I can’ not know, and once I change I can’t not have changed. So, for me, I’ve been waiting for the evidence to allow me to make a choice, and I finally have the evidence I need to believe in my understanding of my circumstances, and know that I am already at a place that is not where I originally began, so the question to continue on with the journey I set out on years ago is a resounding YES, I’ve already confirmed my displacement from my origins so there is no reason to cling to this place any longer: I am free to follow the path I have found, and free to become the man I am meant to be; it seems that man is only just born, and I am the creation that will live this dream that was conceived by the man who use to be me.
It is with a certain degree of acceptance and reflection that I admit that my discourse is becoming too conflicted to resonate with the beauty that my earlier works use to bring to the page. I am aware of things that I wish to write and share but also aware that my insights and opinions are heavily influenced by my experiences and though I may want to share some of the wisdom that those experiences have brought to me I am bound to believe that they are not conventional nor grounded in accepted traditional views to make any such attempts would only isolate this blog into an extreme that would not be given any real attention or consideration, and then keep me from placing the little bits of value I am allowed to share into these venues that have proven so useful for my edification, my own social outlet, and a place for me to develop my skills as a writer (both in presentation and substance). I accept that I try to write about what I am learning at the moment but I also attempt to keep the knowledge that I am gaining during this point in my journey somewhat vague as it seems that when others have done as I am now doing they felt it necessary to keep the Way offered but the Truth hidden from those who are not willing to walk the path that leads to their revelation. It is just the same as when those that experience relationships as a casual selfish meet without any real substance beyond the physical realities that surround it, and those that develop deep and intimate communion with others and find that these relationships are to far beyond the others to even compare in value and what we would do to keep them. I’m not sure I always agree about that, but it does seem to be a need, if not by those ahead of me, by those I leave behind; they don’t want to know that I have found answers to my questions, as it will necessitate their own acceptance of things we leave unsaid; I have my Truth, and I know I can trust me to understand and accept what that Truth means to the reality I now must reveal to myself as I continue on the journey I am meant to be on. My only regret is the years I wasted awaiting others to show me what I now know only I will ever attempt to do, only I am as concerned about the changes before me that result from revealing the Truths that I have known and never applied to see what they would allow in my life, rather than insisting that everyone be part of the reality that only I seem to want and need.
The evidence is clear: I keep my intriguing and adventurous lifestyle secret and those that think that statement doesn’t fit the man they think they know, well they are probably right, that is the evidence they are entrusted to witness; I never have seen things through their eyes and I know I never will.
Peace be with you,