It has been a long journey of spiritual seeking, truth hunting, fact missing, book buying, beer drinking, enigma entangled, proselytized confirmation to bring me to the land that is nowhere even remotely close to the evangelical convert of my youth, (silent thanksgiving) and in all fairness, I have found my spiritual answers for deities, demigods, and folklore galore! I have my direction, my reason to live, and building purpose is slow going but not without hope of success, and still…I’m ready to step it up a level beyond what I can find to satisfy….because the Truth and answers I found were to questions I NEVER WANTED TO ASK! And now I have all this knowledge of things left simpler had I just turned the page, sang the psalm, and put the quarter in the plate as it passed by, never the wiser, just another regular guy for my Sunday morning meet & greet with the other favorites destined to watch in glee as we see those poor people suffer for their stupidity in following false Gods and believing their traditions after only several thousand years of no other options and now look at ’em; tricked out and burning up the coal house, for Hell’s kitchen to teach them sinner’s the right way, or punish them for the wrong way, or fuck….hell, it’s probably incorporated and heaven and hell are subsidiaries of a larger conglomerate that has the thing fronted up and loaded to lose either way…but who am I to preach….wwjd?? Maybe we should stop seeking a way out of trouble and just say can you just help us make this fucking work right and live a little longer, because sometimes “this shit just sucks!” [I apologize for the language…I will show some restraint now.]
Having been to both heaven and hell in my wandering ways and 86’d from both for “conduct unbecoming” I’m left with this direction compass for spiritual awareness pointing to spaced, wherein a t-shirt that says I’m God, go away…and beggin the mystic question of why nothing is my answer from the heaven I knew, cum’on people, it’s too damn hard to find one in a trillion to tell me nothing! Tell a random stranger, “If I ask you nothing, will you repay me in kind, or does the fucking question beg the next line of something else needs to be said?”
Yes, yes, I’m being obstinate about it, and honestly, I’m not in a snit at all, I just wanted to rant, be funny and let readers know, it is God-damn always going to be another day of journey, seeking and living the only way we know how and if we can make it work while we sift for clues and share the joy of someone’s something, I don’t know I’m low on joy, then we can live with the Truth that we sometimes seem more generous than God, or more loving than those other religious people, and be okay with the fact that I have NO GUILT for cussing, drinking or gambling…maybe a twinge for sleeping with your wife, but I’m working that out…see, a cup of coffee, born again! I’m saved.
The last year has been a toll on my beliefs, not so much in what is good; I still have the ideal of Love as the one beautiful thing about humanity that stands up and shouts, “this is worth keeping forever; this is worth learning to be a master in at least the love of one other person with deliberate purpose while burning with the passion of desire that is a perfect companion for motivation to become someone more than we had been if simply to share it with the object of our affection. I still have this to hold onto, and I find this ideal is more important to me in my journey than the traditional need for love to be the long-haired guy that has to die because I owe his Dad! The perfect should suffer for assholes like me!…again, I’m being trite and cynical, but you get my meaning, Love should bring something of our best out of us, possibly crush some of the worst out of us, but still the power to shape and build what before had been: all it could be; I would have Love be that force for us, but sometimes, all Love is able to create through the untamed and haunted remains I am is the passion, desire, and will to continue, while those scars bear the remainder of pain and the amount of care I put into making sure it remained a heart that could endure and stay. In the lonesome steps of this sage I feel this and tell myself, my love is important to me…I know how long it took me to learn how to be and understand what another might need, and I know how I am handicapped to be a man that finds it easier to accept the burden alone and walk as I know how to walk, determined, expectant, and resolved to the task I will myself to face alone, my one manly trait in the whole long-suffering sensitive grieved lost soul gr-avatar I’ve portrayed for you, and honestly lived to often until I died and came back from hell, took some anti-depressants and (don’t forget the coffee; oops and the adultery) to bring me round to my new direction for living today.
Afresh, just showered, sin-free I challenge myself to answer the hard question can I give and not expect to find a return in love? I have to accept that for me I have to have the return if not in full, at least enough to nurture the new bloom into a greater passion to lean upon in my misguided and tortured understanding of dating, courtship, and anything that has to do with talking face to face when I’m interested in having children, marriage and a first date with the woman…..oh deal with it, a little creepy, but I contain my emotions to a blog and a quest to become the more intimate man (unafraid to be open, but unfortunately in need of 50 miles and a computer to be so)! I’m only kidding, if I’m lonely I just stop taking my meds and talk to who I hear, they aren’t that far away…wait, does sounding crazy lower the google-date score, I know I have button for that.
This isn’t me being depressed and glum; I’m working through the ideas of what do I do with ME next? I honestly am not considering love as an option for my near future, it is off the burner, buried in the pantry, bottom shelf under the 1956 Aunta Mima cook book that still says, $1.00 on masking tape across the front. I don’t want to fail in life because Love isn’t the end-all-be-all I hoped it would be, but I want more than old “find a date ” classifieds from the Nickel-Ads….I want the next best thing….fulfillment in finding out serious shit nobody else ever get to know about and then doing something extraordinary because I can! Like, explore a new planet (I dream big) build a social network where I can dicide I’m the coolest guy and deserve to be the honored writer every month. I do focus a lot on what I consider my unsaleable features but I’m a fucking interesting person with a sense a humor and I know my way around the spiritual truths (for good or bad) that stumble and worry the best of life’s rat-race crazy millions, and I don’t miss my steps there…I trust me in these things, I’ve learned to trust that I really do know where I am bound, what I am here to do, and the truth that will be my assistant in yet to be determined ways, as I silently relay the meanings of these things to the quiet and intent life within the darkness of my existence. In the dark I find my home, a night finds me and I breathe the best of me in as I understand the still soft whisper, an ancient hymn resounding in the heavens for the Song of a Heart not yet ready to give in. I learn to live again; I learn to let it be again; I am the man I’m meant to be, and that I am proud to have become.
My muse, a dark shawl and a passing visit, thank you.
Peace is what I have, so that is what I share,