Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all got a practice run at living before we lived the life that counts? I mean to have an opportunity to live through the mistakes, retain the knowledge and then do it right. I like the idea of reincarnation, except it makes no sense if you can’t carry the information gained forward, I know me, even when I know the right answer I often make the same mistakes again, so I need every opportunity to learn and keep trying.
Well, as far as I know, this isn’t a trial run, it’s the only opportunity I’m given to learn about Love, Life, the Way, Hope, Happiness, Sorrow, Passion, and Peace. I have to learn as I go.
For a meditator who has a certain degree of inner stability and realization, every experience comes as a teaching; every event, every experience one is exposed to comes as a kind of learning experience.
~ Dalai Lama
Meditation is key to making the most of every situation and gleaning the greatest yield of understanding about who I am, and how I may grow as result of a situation.
In my youth, I made choices that put me on the path to addictions that I would ultimately have to deal with and though I accept that I put myself on this path to enjoy certain aspects of the journey, kept the vices to deal with certain mental issues, embraced the habit to avoid the pain it buried, now I’ve become a man that no longer views the price on my current life worth sacrificing for the avoidance of pain from the past, and my openness and knowledge are advanced enough to seek the “proper” help with the mental issues.
I wish knowledge alone was the strength of resolve it takes to break a habit, but it is not. I recently have made two attempts to quit drinking alcohol, because even though I’m a mellow drunk, it controls my life, I drink so much I have withdrawals if I don’t drink, and my writing and my personal balance suffer as a result, both of which are to high of a cost for me anymore.
I find it very difficult to make it much longer than one month sober. I get insomnia very bad, and I don’t have the coping skills necessary to replace all that I have used this self-medication for in place yet, but I’m learning, and I am going to try again….and I’m going to keep trying until I get it right.
I know my biggest hurdle is always asking for help. I just don’t do it. None of the men in my family ever do. We all grew up on John Wayne and the idea that life was meant to be faced proud and head held high, yet, pride don’t mean much if I’m failing at life because of it.
Because of my schizophrenia and some other rather menacing memories I’ve learned to endure a great deal and thus facing another round of insomnia and emotional trauma as I endeavor to become sober is daunting but something I know I will face head on and hope for the best. I’ll do the best I can, and if I fail, then I will lick my wounds and try again, but I won’t give up; I want sobriety.