“Human relations based on mutual compassion and love are fundamentally important to human happiness.”

               ~ Dalai Lama


The more I grow in understanding of this Truth, the better life becomes for me on my best days.  Being the type that struggles through ebbs and flows both biologically deficient in major neurotransmitters and emotionally pulled taught to extremes inside, relationships have always been difficult for me.

I’ve always had this need to present myself as in control, so no matter how bad my instabilities would get, I would isolate to hide what I didn’t want others to see, and present a facade of everything is cool, or I’m just an asshole don’t pay me any attention.  Please forgive the vulgar vernacular here I thought it appropriate when I used it to describe myself for a couple years at the peak of my disabilities when I needed to keep people at a distance…at least, so I thought.  I managed to keep secret my Schizophrenia and depression secret for almost 20 years, self-medicating to maintain jobs and raise a family as a single dad.  My abilities to do that drained more and more from my strength as each year my symptoms worsened.  I finally came to hate the fact I was even alive….

Then, as Life would have me continue on in a different fashion, I was involved an accident that broke my face in 6 places and put me in the hospital on Oahu for 3 weeks.  During this time I was approved for medical insurance for the first time in years and with that came an opportunity to seek medical help for my disorders, if I just had the courage to ask for it.  I did, and now 9 months later, though I still face some debilitating struggles, and still have a long road of recovery ahead of me, I am rebuilding relationships with family and friends and discovering the happiness those bring as they share my struggles and burdens with me along this road of life.  All those years spent hiding my weakness, and had I just had the strength to be vulnerable I would have found the compassion and Love was around me all along.

Yet, though I have cause for regrets, I will use this remorse to build hope for a future I was blind too before the accident.  A life with purpose; a life with Love; a life using this gift of mine; a life filled with family and friends.

11 thoughts on “Happiness

  1. Congratulations on making this journey. It is difficult to be different, but being different doesn’t mean we don’t belong on the planet with our fellow humans. Even those who might think us a bit odd. 😉 Fortunately, many of us do understand–if not completely, at least enough to let each other be.

  2. It may take time, more than you anticipate, but it is possible to manage where you’re at. I had a nervous breakdown over 10 years ago and it was a couple of years just to process some of what happened. You often find those who have mental health issues are strong people, so when we break, the wheels can really come off (or it feels like it!).

    There are many things available now. For some, prescribed medication helps, talking therapies can help, EFT, NLP, CBT can be super tools to reduce reoccurrence of episodes. I found Bach Flower Remedies very helpful (Rescue Remedy for emergencies), also reflexology. Everyone’s different and chances are, there’s something beneficial for you.

    And also, simply time – giving yourself time to process, eliminate non-beneficial ways of thinking, just simply be. Oh, and not being too hard or critical or judgemental of yourself.

    From the sounds of it, you’ve found one thing to help – your blog. See, there’s one sort of light at the end of the tunnel!

  3. I am so glad you are writing. From just this one post I have read so far, you radiate humility. It’s not easy to put yourself out there and share yourself with the world, but I believe that it is through sharing that healing happens. We are all crushed souls, seeking comfort in the commonness of our daily struggles. I wish you all the best.

  4. You are being very brave and doing the right thing. Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes, but they are made to learn from. By accepting yourself exactly as you are and opening the book of who you truly are inside – warts and all – it becomes so much easier to drop the mask most people wear. It allows us to become truly authentic beings and turns our vulnerabilities into strengths. I’ve done exactly the same myself – see my book http://themysteryofself.wordpress.com/ Doing this has freed me and helped me to treat myself with as much love as I treat others with – and that’s apart from the tremendous spiritual progress that followed from it! 🙂

  5. It always inspires me when people have the courage to be vulnerable in their writing. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles with us. Grace, peace, and life abundant to you. 🙂

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