Coming out the other side of a psychotic slip…I haven’t eaten in a couple of days, stayed in bed for near 27 hours, my mind surfing through programing like the remote is broken and I feel wiped out, clik-clack..pow! To much information to sift through….my brain feels like it just lived through a 24 hour infomercial selling everything known to man….tilt! tilt!
So what does this mean for me….well, it means I have to spend the next few days figuring out what new programming I have adopted …like right now I am convinced I’m fat and I’m refusing to eat; I don’t know why I have this mental block on eating at the moment but the only thing I will allow is milk vitamins and coffee. It isn’t logical, if I try to discover why, it won’t make any sense, so I no better than to waste time on questions that are not based in reason. The facts stand that during the last 24 hours I adopted a new aversion to food, and I have to fix it, or just not eat. Weird?? Try living this way! It like living through a system crash, and brain just got hacked and left with a virus. Only I’m stuck with this brain, I can’t just run down to Walmart and pick up another HP model for a couple more years until it tanks. This is the life I live and that is that! I believe I find such hope and beauty in simple things for the very reason that I know it can all go away just that quick, and then fighting to have that one moment of peace is fleeting at best, but I’ll get there again, and I’ll go this again…it’s just the way it is.
“True Peace with ourselves and with the world around us can only be achieved through the development of mental peace.” ~ Dalai Lama I question this having to live with the reality that mental peace can be stripped away like the aftermath of a Hurricane. I have little control over this, and I have developed these control methods in isolation and staying in bed to ride out the storm like anyone would do huddled in a shelter waiting for the calm to return, knowing for well that what they are hoping for, and I am waiting for, will come but it isn’t in my control on the timing of that event.
I’m not pleased with my writing today. Normally my writing even in prose keeps a poetic flow to it like a peaceful song, and I’m so out of balance that natural tuning fork that keeps my gift in harmony with the Presence of ALL Things is being drowned out by the remnants of hurricane Zion. I’m glad I have both Psych and Therapist appointments this week. Maybe I’ll be better in a few days and can enjoy my gift again. Today, my gift is just an effort to pick up the pieces and get back to living.