Click-clack…Pow

Coming out the other side of a psychotic slip…I haven’t eaten in a couple of days, stayed in bed for near 27 hours, my mind surfing through programing like the remote is broken and I feel wiped out, clik-clack..pow!  To much information to sift through….my brain feels like it just lived through a 24 hour infomercial selling everything known to man….tilt! tilt!

So what does this mean for me….well, it means I have to spend the next few days figuring out what new programming I have adopted …like right now I am convinced I’m fat and I’m refusing to eat; I don’t know why I have this mental block on eating at the moment but the only thing I will allow is milk vitamins and coffee.  It isn’t logical, if I try to discover why, it won’t make any sense, so I no better than to waste time on questions that are not based in reason.  The facts stand that during the last 24 hours I adopted a new aversion to food, and I have to fix it, or just not eat.  Weird??  Try living this way! It like living through a system crash, and brain just got hacked and left with a virus.  Only I’m stuck with this brain, I can’t just run down to Walmart and pick up another HP model for a couple more years until it tanks.  This is the life I live and that is that!  I believe I find such hope and beauty in simple things for the very reason that I know it can all go away just that quick, and then fighting to have that one moment of peace is fleeting at best, but I’ll get there again, and I’ll go this again…it’s just the way it is.

“True Peace with ourselves and with the world around us can only be achieved through the development of mental peace.”  ~ Dalai Lama  I question this having to live with the reality that mental peace can be stripped away like the aftermath of a Hurricane.  I have little control over this, and I have developed these control methods in isolation and staying in bed to ride out the storm like anyone would do huddled in a shelter waiting for the calm to return, knowing for well that what they are hoping for, and I am waiting for, will come but it isn’t in my control on the timing of that event.

I’m not pleased with my writing today.  Normally my writing even in prose keeps a poetic flow to it like a peaceful song, and I’m so out of balance that natural tuning fork that keeps my gift in harmony with the Presence of ALL Things is being drowned out by the remnants of hurricane Zion.  I’m glad I have both Psych and Therapist appointments this week.  Maybe I’ll be better in a few days and can enjoy my gift again.  Today, my gift is just an effort to pick up the pieces and get back to living.

12 thoughts on “Click-clack…Pow

  1. Sounds like you’re in one of your headings—”Sorrow” and are sharing your current time in this. Glad you had the courage to actually write about it. It’s okay. Life is not always a bubble of joy. There are times like these. Learn the lessons and rise again.
    Peace be yours,
    Alexandria

  2. OK, so what you’ve told us is that you’re human. Imperfect, prone to mistakes, guilt and stupid moves. Welcome home to the club of mankind… wanna bowl of ice cream, I’ll share 🙂

  3. Zion, I hope you get some mental peace soon and I hope it helped putting your feelings on here.
    Take care.

    @suzzymilkmaid that’s an interesting and enlightening post.

  4. Throughout the storms, you have an awareness of yourself. That which is in turmoil isn’t the real you. Maybe you will start eating when you own that divinity and let the storm pass through.

  5. It’s hard to dig out once you’ve gone to that place that’s so deep. But the fact that you’re writing is a good sign that you’re emerging. Keep at it. Nothing lasts forever–these feelings will fade and you’ll feel like eating and you’ll feel better. Just believe that.

  6. Thanks for sharing. It takes courage to write and share during these times. Know that you are not alone in these struggles. I know I am working my way out of a time in which I hate to leave the house. I pray for your peace.

  7. Think of yourself. What element are you? Water is never altered by the storm. Wind is spent but the credit limit is infinity. Land may wash away but never really disappears or gets destroyed. There will always be fire. Maybe not in the storm, but during the storm don’t forget about that giant ball of burning gas that is lighting the tops of the stormclouds and ultimately causing all the fuss to begin with.

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