I’m, for the most part, a solitary man, keeping to myself, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a wild social side to me, I just keep that in check for the most part and only let that part of me see the light of day on special occasions with close friends.
I often wonder, why I don’t pursue a relationship, and for the longest time I thought I just wasn’t suitable material. I’m always too “something” to be desired in a negative connotation…but although I’m a great admirer of the female gender I just rarely meet that special someone that makes me stop, breathe (never forget to breathe, it’s important), and wonder if all the Universe revolves around this ONE woman. That don’t happen to me everyday, and in fact in the twice that it did happen, both times I was the wrong man at the wrong time.
Women (I’m generalizing) have this amazing capacity for deep intimate feelings, and although I’ve never had a healthy and mature relationship with a woman, mainly because I stop pursuing one, I’ve often wondered what it would be like to have a soul mate for a partner. Someone that knows me inside and out, and even though I’m not Brad Pitt, I’m everything she would ever ask for and there isn’t anything I could do to jeapordize that Love for me. I have felt that way, and the proof of that is when it wasn’t reciprocated, I still remained steadfast to those feelings.
Of course the down side to being so passionate is how difficult it is to move on from one to another. I have known many a man who easily slip from one relationship into another, one woman has hardly packed her clothes before he has another moving in….I can’t do that, in fact, I tried real hard for a couple of years to be a callous asshole, and I thought I was getting good at it, but I hated everything I did, the person I was becoming…I need my passion, and if I can’t have a passionate relationship, then I’d rather not have one at all.
I’m not sure how to proceed now. I believe I will pour my emotions into my writing so that I have some avenue for passion to flow, but in the back of my mind I’m always too old for the young, too jaded for the lively, too heavenly minded for the worldly, too worldly for the religious, too something, something, something…..
It’s funny in a way…I pursue Wisdom at all cost to myself, and I find it, but I still get depressed, I still get lonely. I find my Balance within, and the emotional rollercoaster of my youth is not the same anymore (I take prescriptions for that) but every once in awhile I look around and say, “I’ve been on my own a LONG TIME, maybe too long?”
Just wondering today…I don’t want to hope…just wondering????