Just As I Am

I’m, for the most part, a solitary man, keeping to myself, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a wild social side to me, I just keep that in check for the most part and only let that part of me see the light of day on special occasions with close friends.  

I often wonder, why I don’t pursue a relationship, and for the longest time I thought I just wasn’t suitable material.  I’m always too “something” to be desired in a negative connotation…but although I’m a great admirer of the female gender I just rarely meet that special someone that makes me stop, breathe (never forget to breathe, it’s important), and wonder if all the Universe revolves around this ONE woman.  That don’t happen to me everyday, and in fact in the twice that it did happen, both times I was the wrong man at the wrong time.

Women (I’m generalizing) have this amazing capacity for deep intimate feelings, and although I’ve never had a healthy and mature relationship with a woman, mainly because I stop pursuing one, I’ve often wondered what it would be like to have a soul mate for a partner.  Someone that knows me inside and out, and even though I’m not Brad Pitt, I’m everything she would ever ask for and there isn’t anything I could do to jeapordize that Love for me.  I have felt that way, and the proof of that is when it wasn’t reciprocated, I still remained steadfast to those feelings.

Of course the down side to being so passionate is how difficult it is to move on from one to another.  I have known many a man who easily slip from one relationship into another, one woman has hardly packed her clothes before he has another moving in….I can’t do that, in fact, I tried real hard for a couple of years to be a callous asshole, and I thought I was getting good at it, but I hated everything I did, the person I was becoming…I need my passion, and if I can’t have a passionate relationship, then I’d rather not have one at all.

I’m not sure how to proceed now.  I believe I will pour my emotions into my writing so that I have some avenue for passion to flow, but in the back of my mind I’m always too old for the young, too jaded for the lively, too heavenly minded for the worldly, too worldly for the religious, too something, something, something…..

It’s funny in a way…I pursue Wisdom at all cost to myself, and I find it, but I still get depressed, I still get lonely.  I find my Balance within, and the emotional rollercoaster of my youth is not the same anymore (I take prescriptions for that) but every once in awhile I look around and say, “I’ve been on my own a LONG TIME, maybe too long?”

Just wondering today…I don’t want to hope…just wondering????


Air Supply – Just As I Am

23 thoughts on “Just As I Am

  1. it’s great that you know exactly who you are and what you want….women? hmmmmm as i am one..are complicated. what i have learned love and the one and only love comes once, you don’t get a second chance, trust me i wrote my love story in books…i love that you shared this…it makes me feel wonderful because so many of us never share our true intimacy….thanks.

    • Thanks for the words and the reblog. I figure if love only comes around once, then that would mean my life is of little worth…I have to be able to love another because I just have too much to give and being alone is fine, but I must love another, I must have one opportunity to know love completely be it brief or long, yeah a tired saying, but I’d rather love once briefly than not at all.

    • yea love others i agree ….but to me…there is only one true love..that is my experience. i have been another relationship for almost two years and it is never the same…my heart will never open again like before. i tell it like it is for me…

    • we never open the same…but then again maybe someone will take us where we have never been so we never opened as far as we could…scars are ugly little blemishes but that doesn’t mean people can’t get past them, sometimes, and I think this is what we are talking about, it isn’t a choice, it’s a recognition of this soul is unique to mine. Honestly I believe your right, but I will tell myself a lie in this one case to keep the dream alive.

  2. Great post! I’m also an introverted person and my sensitive nature makes me extremely cautious with whom I foster relationships with. Don’t let your past hurts from failed relationships infringe on your quest for love. You were made from love. It is in our nature to seek and share love.

    I’ve learned, the more you seek wisdom, the more disenchanted with the world you will become. The path of truth is covered in light. Sadly, most rather walk in darkness.

    Thank you for following my blog. I will be following yours as well.

  3. Hello iamzion. Your post touched my heart. Although I have enjoyed a long marriage, and have two wonderful children, my most important relationship has been with God. I can’t help thinking that it is easier for a woman to enjoy a close relationship with God than it is for a man. Not being in a relationship at this time, I feel that I have the easier part in life. I can enjoy full relationship and love with God. When I read Song of Songs, I am reminded of the call to unity with God, and all that it encompasses. For me, relationship with God is the most satisfying of all. He never rejects me, and he never lets me down.

  4. Your wonderings touched me. I recently had the epiphany that I can’t find unconditional love through another person (& that sounds like what you are longing for). I instead have to cultivate my unconditional love of myself through the spiritual path that calls to me. Any attempt to find it through another person results in emmeshment and a struggle of boundaries between two unique individuals.

    I believe that the one perfect soulmate, the “two hearts that beat as one” concept we find in classic love stories, is a myth that sets us up to never truly love ourselves. This doesn’t mean we have to be alone. It just resets the expectation of intimate relationships and makes your priority your relationship to Self & Spirit. Then others who are ready for a deep and intimate relationship can find you and connect to you unencumbered.

    My thoughts to share.

    • Upon my clearer concepts, i would agree, but I don’t always see clear, sometimes I view life through a bit of a fog, and I’m left curious until I get recentered….which hopefully will be soon. 🙂

  5. Each person’s primary true love is themselvf. Until you truly love yourself and be the person you want to be, loving anyone else can be will assist you with life lessons to do so…

  6. Love the world and the world will love you back. Love your life and your life will love you back. However, what they don’t tell you is that it takes time and practice. Don’t stop believing in your self and your life. Blessings always, T

  7. I am a woman but I can still relate to your situation . . . I’ve never been in a relationship. Sometimes I wonder if there must be something wrong with me. I think that I’m probably just the sort of person people don’t view that way. I have a lot of feelings . . . but I don’t know if that’s because I’m a woman. I know other women who aren’t as emotional or sentimental. As for relationships . . . I’ve decided that I’ll let that happen when it will. Though sometimes I worry that’s never, there’s not really much I can do about it, and all I can hope for is that my chance will come one day.

  8. Sometimes we sacrifice on thing for another. Just keep walking on my friend, love has a funny way of changing your reality and appearing in the most unlikely of places. And you are never alone. There is always someone (in this cause the 30 some odd bloggers that liked your status) 🙂

  9. There’s no shame in wondering. Humans, by and large, are social creatures. Even we introverted isolationists can only go for so long without needing some form of contact.

    The thought of being alone can be a frightening one and is what often drives a person to lose their patience. This leads one to ask themselves awful questions that only instills more doubt into the self-consciousness.

    “When will it be my turn?”

    “People don’t look at me in ‘that way’. I wonder what’s wrong with me?”

    “Why am I not the right person this time? This will never work.”

    All of these sorts of questions can strip out a person’s passion and make them leery of the world and the people in it.

    You already have part of what I can advise and that is finding something you are passionate about. Do concentrate on that and concentrate on what you will do about it. Find others who might share these same passions. Not in an attempt to find “the one”, but just to find others who can relate to that passion. Look at everyone, regardless of gender, with the simple goal of potentially becoming their friend. Set aside the notions of dating or trying to woo or impress a lady because you have the same interests. Just be a friend to all you come across.

    Then one day maybe she will look at you and you will look at her and something more than just friendship will happen. It’s no guarantee, but trust me when I say that becoming friends first is one of the better ways for a romantic relationship to start.

  10. None of us are perfect, it is devastating to be honest about our true selves, do not feel rejected or afraid, I have walked in your shoes, and I am still looking for my own essence, once I connect with that woman, I am sure the right man will appear. The energy you genuinely put out should attract many kindred spirits to you! Thank you for speaking, it gives me courage to speak more about my own metamorphosis, especially in this last two confusing years of my life 🙂

  11. I think that love comes more than once, so don’t worry 🙂
    And love often comes when you are not looking for (and can even be inconvenient at that particular time).

    I understand how you can feel lonely without a partner. People will tell you (and they are right) that you cannot rely on others for love, that you have to learn to love yourself. But I think that we are meant to be social creatures, so loneliness is a perfectly natural feeling when we do not have a partner or a soul mate (not necessarily the same thing). It does not mean that we do not value ourselves, just that we want someone to share our love of life with.

    From reading your thoughts, you appear to me as a caring person and women will recognise that in you (probably when you least expect it 🙂 )

  12. When something that I want is missing in my life, I find that space contains the the things that I need to address in myself. Your loneliness is a place where you are discovering just exactly who you are and what you want. If your soulmate isn’t here yet, its because it isn’t time for the two of you to be together. Something in both of you is still in the process of healing. You say that in your past relationships that you loved those women even when you weren’t loved back…but do you accept yourself in this way yet? Instead of saying to yourself, ‘they didn’t love me back’, try ‘I didn’t love me’, and try to answer the question of why. In seeking matters of the spirit, we are seeking to really love and accept who we are. You are wonderfully honest and open. Keep questioning the degree of love and acceptance that you have for yourself, and focus on the issues that surface. When the love of your life appears, you’ll know a circle has completed. Much love to you.

  13. I myself am a loner and always have been. I can go days without interacting with another person and feel perfectly fine about it. Every now and then I’ll get in a social mood and want to have coffee or go out to eat with a few close friends. That being said, I also don’t mind going out to events with large crowds, clubs, bars and the like. I enjoy the fact that I’m just as comfortable by myself as I am in a crowd. Maybe it’s my Gemini nature.

    I just turned 27 and I’ve yet to be in a long-term relationship. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me, and sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with the person I’m dating. We live in a society where we’re constantly bombarded with images of couples smiling, laughing and just enjoying each others’ company. We’ve even come to, in a way, glorify the common problems associated with being in a relationship. All of that has combined to make us feel as though we HAVE to be in a relationship in order to be happy or be normal. If you aren’t dating anyone then you must have social anxiety disorder or be some kind of creep.

    I also feel that loners tend to be a bit more spiritual than other people because they aren’t “distracted” and have time to come to know themselves and the world they live in. We become individuals rather than sheep. Potential suitors can be put off by our quiet and inquisitive nature, wanting someone that’s easily accessible and understandable. It’s just the world we live in.

    All of that being said, I would much rather be single than be in a relationship because “everyone else is doing it” or be with someone I’m not 100% interested in. The Universe works on its own timetable, shuffling circumstances here and there while blessing us with the wisdom to recognize a good person when we discover them. You don’t want to enjoy a meal before it’s fully cook just as you don’t want to be in a relationship you aren’t mentally, spiritually or emotionally ready for.

  14. Hi Zion. Being on vacation I am getting a chance to read the posts I haven’t been able to for a little while. I certainly understand. Each of our experiences do shape us. I think we can let others in when we are ready. I had thought for years that it wasn’t possible but the last couple of months have further opened my mind. Is there a soulmate out there? Who knows, only time and loving life will tell. Sending you smiles and a big hug. Message me anytime. I love talking with you. 🙂

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