What I’m looking for…

There is reason why I have never married again!  It’s been, well, a long time…my wife left in 1999 (which devastated me)…left me to raise three children on my own, and they turned out fantastic!  I have had girlfriends.  I have made a lot of friends of the opposite sex, but I have kept myself from stepping back into

Sometimes what I see in a girl can't be captured in a photo...

Sometimes what I see in a girl can’t be captured in a photo…

another marriage because I won’t make the same mistakes again.  I’m looking for a foundation on which to build, and for someone who inspires me to become more than who I am…many women intrigue me, even more excite me…it’s the rare find that actually is strong enough to be what I need, and still weak enough to need me.

In every relationship, I look for what allows me to accomplish what I can’t accomplish alone.  At work, I KNOW that I can work for another Type A personality, and I can have Type A’s work for me, but I can’t work with them….meaning in a partnership, I have to be in the lead.  There has only ever been one exception to that, my friend Chris, I almost always let him take the lead, he fits best as a captain, and we work well enough together, I don’t mind being the the second, the assistant…so even though I don’t like not being in control, I trust him to have the wheel (so to speak).  When would I not??  Well, in spiritual matters…I know without a doubt, I should be the one to make those decisions, should be the guide in those circumstances, not because he isn’t capable, but because I’m the one who has spent a lifetime searching these answers.  In another friendship, my friend Randall, we can’t live together or work together, and we both know it, because neither of us will let the other be the lead…so we don’t!  We are two captains that meet rarely, and care about the other…but we have to stay our own course.

I’m only willing to have sexual relations with women.  But I look at friendship the same, for me, the bond is built beyond just having something in common.  There has to be something that goes deeper, to an emotional level for sure, but even farther…friendships demand a bond that goes beyond “your fun to party with” or “I like that you pay attention to me.”  I expect and have found this in my best friends, my ex-wife, LaFonda,  is someone I connect with like this, but we can’t be married.  She is desperate for someone; and that someone can’t ever be me…I know this and for a brief time, I had to explain this to her after we were divorced.  She ended up homeless, and I have helped her and her husband many times, providing them shelter, food, money…for months on end…because I genuinely care…but I can’t be her mate…not ever again…we don’t compliment each other, and I know it, she however does not, but she accepts that I NOW have the wisdom to know that for both of us, which allows us to have a friendship most ex’s don’t get to share.

Marriage, I’ve found for most, is like a step beyond a roommate…”you are someone I would like to remain roommates with for the rest of this life.”  That aint enough for me.  I need a best friend, and I need a best friend that living together, having sex, and everything else, doesn’t fuck up the friendship over time.  Meaning, we have to care about each other enough, that most of the time…we will put the other before ourselves…while aware that each of us has those little things that have to come first…it’s in those that we compliment each other…if not, we fail…intimacy demands that we are strong where the other is weak.  That’s what I look for in a woman!

4 thoughts on “What I’m looking for…

  1. I worry, on a daily basis, that my partner & aren’t compatible… But then I think, no one would put up with me ( I’m terribly annoying, lol) 16 hours a day. I can’t wait to be married too him, the thought of divorce, scares the shit out of me.. wow, I can’t talk to my mates about this, but can comment it.. #issues.

  2. wow. I totally grasp the concept of having the insight to make the tough decision for myself AND someone else! I know what it is like to accept the deep love of another person yet knowing that I cannot be with that person because of incompatibilities. It’s a sad realization…but even more sad when that realization is ignored!

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